"Place it on its side and it's a symbol meaning Infinity"

I was excited when I got a envelope that said in all caps "U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES ... OFFICIAL BUSINESS." I wondered what it could possibly be and figured whatever it was it had to be incredibly awesome because it wasn't from a representative from our coverage area. I wondered if I were going to D.C. to cover something or got invited to something or if all of those rumors that journalists get paid off by every Tom, Dick and Harry were actually true and I was about to become someone's pundit.

The answer? None of the above. Or Simon and Garfunkel.

Let's take a gander at this. I didn't mean to blot out his name for this technical celebritor. If you're that concerned about who it is, I'll make you work for it. The packet was effectively a press release and a glossy brochure on the representative's commission. We're quite far from not only that district and D.C. and we're a hyperlocal so it doesn't pertain to us directly. I mean, we could localize it but it would be awesome if someone from our coverage area was involved.

Then there's the Simon and Garfunkel quote. I like Simon and Garfunkel. I wasn't expecting to see Simon and Garfunkel so something with a shiny U.S. seal and a watermarked cursive "Liberty" on the paper and the words "HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES" to have a quote from a Simon and Garfunkel song.

Then there's the signature. As you can see, the good representative's initials are F.R.W.  I can't think of an instance where any of those letters would resemble an 8.  When I showed this to someone to point out the out-of-the-blue Simon and Garfunkel quote, the first question was "Why is there a giant blue 8 on the letter?"

Oh, and he spelled my name wrong. There are several variations of spelling for my name (it's a common name ... sorta) and it always comes out wrong. I, of course, feel my version is correct but more famous people have the version I get.

It's wrong on my business cards. One of our page designers spelled it wrong on a page I didn't proof after my name was stuck on it. I've sent one of my friends several e-mails with my signature attached in large c-money-style letters and, in the reply, he spells my name wrong. I had hoped a member of Congress who wouldn't know me from Adam but found it fit to send me and probably every newspaper in the state his pitch to curb federal spending to have the resources to spell my fucking name correctly.

If you're wondering about the subject title and the quote next to the 8, look here.

BONUS! CELEBRITOR FOUND! or "It stinks"

I'm not going to say where this was from but you can find it on Google if you look hard enough.

Newspapers verify the sender of letters before they are run, if you didn't know, and it's on their site.  I'm calling this a total confirmed. I also find confirmed, through this celebritor, that MiCHAEL BAY is indeed an "egomanical hack" (despite my moments of SQUEE! every time THE ACTUAL VOiCE ACTOR FROM THE 1980S CARTOON SPOKE AS OPTiMUS PRiME).

OK, from this point forward (maybe) I'm going to stop making fun of that guy's love of the lowercase i when writing in all caps. It's starting to annoy me even more just by doing it.

To the Editor:

The [NEWSPAPER]'s movie critic, [THE CRITIC], seems to be woefully out of touch with pop culture.

The "Transformers" movie's $155 million seven-day haul is the biggest non-sequel opening in box office history. Numbers like that usually mean positive word of mouth on the film is huge, and people are going back.

A friend of mine, Steven Spielberg -- he’s pretty smart about film -- said [THE CRITIC]'s review was idiotic. [THE CRITIC]'s a critic who actually reviewed his dislike for the director, rather then reviewing the movie, like his job description prescribes. [THE CRITIC] talks about the director being an "egomaniacal hack."  Well I don't believe I've ever had the pleasure of meeting [THE CRITIC], though it sounds like he knows me. If [THE CRITIC] actually did know me, he would find me to be a pretty down-to-earth, nice guy.

I implore the editor to give [THE CRITIC] a little relaxation and sunshine, clear his head, let him rediscover that movie-going is supposed to be a fun experience.

Maybe even help him get rid of his hatred.

Michael Bay

Director of "Transformers"

Los Angeles, Ca.




Teh haterz at teh newzpaperz, y they hatin'???/?

Is anyone else picturing Jay Sherman saying "Transformers" stinks every time the phrase "THE CRITIC" appears? You're welcome.

technical letter the seventh: CELEBRITOR!

I wish ... whoops, i capitalized an i there ... a copy of this letter was sent but, considering where this story came from and reading about some of his hissy fits, it's believable.

The person who submitted this used to work for a 40,000-circulation paper way outside of Chicago. Back when the first "Transformers" remake movie came out, their movie critic panned it. As I stated to friends back when it came out and when I totally excited about "G.I. Joe," if you grew up watching it, they were great. Both of those films felt like a blast. They weren't totally the same as the cartoons but you can't really go by the book for a concepts nearly 30 years old.  If you didn't watch them or were expecting it to be exactly like the cartoons or thought you were going to come out of it with a new sense of purpose in life, they sucked.

MiCHAEL BAY, of course, thinks his film was the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Apparently, he wrote a letter to this newspaper where he complained about "how unfair the review was and how his 'good friend' Steven Spielberg liked it," the contributor said.

I beg all of you, if you know where this leditor ... er ... celebritor is, send it in for us to see in all its glory and majesty because it's from MiCHAEL BAY. AND HE'S COMPLAiNiNG ABOUT A REViEW iN A 40K CiRCULATiON PAPER. "It wasn't exactly the 'Tribune,' " the contributor said.

I hope he used all caps in there. I need it to be.

If there are any other celebritors, send those along as well.  Speaking of submissions, along with the promised story for Monday, I have more submissions. KEEP THEM COMiNG.