(INSERT TITLE HERE)

[The watermark is of some dude running, by the way ... he runs like a Ford?]

[Please ignore the (insert man behind the curtain)]

Date: (Insert date)

For Immediate Release

Contact: (Insert name and phone number of contact person at Dealership)

(INSERT DEALERSHIP NAME) OF (INSERT CITY) HAS ACHIEVED FORD MOTOR COMPANY'S HIGHEST DEALER HONOR — THE 2001 PRESIDENT'S AWARD

Every year Ford Motor Company honors Dealerships that have gone above and beyond their customers' expectation with the President's Award.

What makes this award even more significant is that customers are judges. Through a comprehensive survey, customers rate Dealers on the basis of their sales, service and overall ownership experience.

This year, 340 Dealerships out of some 5,000 were awarded this high honor.

"It's a thrill to receive this recognition from out customers," says (INSERT DEALERSHIP NAME) owner, (INSERT DEALER NAME).

"Making sure our customers are happy is what everyone who works here strives for. And it takes real teamwork to make it happen. From the people who answer our phones our sales folks to our technicians, everyone plays a part in customer satisfaction. I couldn't be more proud of our staff. They're the reason we've won this award," emphasizes (INSERT DEALER NAME [NOT THE VARSITY])

(INSERT DEALERSHIP NAME) is located at (INSERT ADDRESS). [AM I THE ONLY ONE AT THIS POINT SAYING, "HUH, HUH ... 'INSERT?'"] The service department phone number is (INSERT PHONE NUMBER). Hours are (INSERT WEEKLY HOURS).

letter the thirty-fourth: apparently large question marks are catching

The contributor of today's installment [sorry it's late, I was at the state capitol ... oooh ... seat of power and (and sometime seat of insanity)] said that the town this is from has/had a large Greek population and a lot of old people hate them. Absolutely hate them. He/she has a few from this same writer ("They may be the same letter in several installments. We aren't sure.") and there are apparently potshots at the Greeks and "Negros" every now and then that have nothing to do with anything.  I can't wait for more.

The front (back?) of the letter presents this is some sort of newcomers guide or something. The reverse is a rant against social services ... I guess. I was surprised that I could read this but I sorta understand. There are myriad reasons why people are out of work and some of that has to do with technology. Some of that has to do with people not wanting to do a certain job. Some of it is because of pure capitalism: it's cheaper for a company to get someone to do the same job in an economically-depressed country over people in the U.S. wanting health insurance or vacation or stupid things like that.

Or it could be the fault of the Greeks and Negros. I don't know.


Note the glorious question  mark at the top.  I think I shall call this c-money-itis because it must be a disease that must be eradicated from the earth. Beyond that, this letter has it all: all caps, cursive, underlines, exclamation marks and other questionable punctuation, non sequitur racist comments, you name it.  Someone needs to hide the pens and paper from grampa or grandma.  I picture a granddaughter taking her boyfriend over for Thanksgiving and whispering at the stoop, "For the love of God, don't tell Uncle Wallie that your last name is Plagianakos!"

 

Greeks and Negros Have Nose in Every Thing Sneaky!

READ THIS YOU AS ALSO A NEWCOMER WILL LEARN A LOT IF YOU WANT TO!

LOT OF GREEKS LAWYER HERE!

OR SCARED TO

WHY ISN'T THE REAL HISTORY OF TOWN NOT PROMOTED? IT WAS NOT GRANT + LINCOLN JUST OVER 150 YEARS AGO IT WAS OVER 300 YRS AGO!

Another Report or Question for [CITY] "News."

I lived here during Depression Years My Mother worked for W.P.A. and young men worked for C.C.C.!

I worked going to high School at Night drugstore Saturdays Woolworth's!

We WORKED — My brother in high school Washed Blankets for Hospital — We knew head nurse there that gave him what he wanted [GIGGITY?] NOT Charity but WORK!

This is something for your paper to question — "A Town full of Adults:

WALL TO WALL WORK including A Huge (THEME PARK) Military Base — [NAME OF BASE] (ONLY BASE — I HAVE TOURED MANY) TO HAVE A CIVILIAN CLUB? BUT [CITY] HAS WALL TO WALL WELFARE, SOCIAL SERVICES AND HUD! WHY?

IN 1930s WE HAD ONE POLICE OFFICER! WHY THE CHANGE SINCE 1970S?

more from c-mizzle

I think c-money is going to be our new friend. They get less crazy and better spelled as they go along but just barely. This was still an epic carpet bomb and I like the real name and the directions in the signature.

NOTIFICATION OF A SCAM BEING PLAYED

ON THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

 MYSTERY  SHOPPERS WANTED

Be Wise Before You Act, Think Twice, Then Think Again

They ask you for your Name, Address, City, State and Zip, after a few e-mail they will send you three or four MoneyGram(Money Orders).

They look real.  What they want you to do is to deposit them into your own Bank and take out your pay, which they say is $300 dollars, and use #200.00 more to shop with.  Send them information for your stores you shopped at.  Then send the balance to them in a US MoneyGram/Money Order.

DO NOT SEND YOUR OWN MONEY

Report it to the FBI

e-mail - Boston@IC.FBI.Gov  or go to: http://boston.fbi.gov/

The MoneyGram/Money Orders will be made out in your name - DO NOT TRY TO DEPOSIT THEM INTO YOUR BANK, THEY ARE  FRAUD.

Some people have deposited them into there Banks, took there own money out and sent them what was the balance of what they requested of you.  When your bank could not cash them, these crooks already had your money, so guess who is left out in the cold, YOU!

_________________

[NAME]

New Hampshire

 [email]
 [phone number]

You have my permission to print this notice, except my e-mail or phone, thank you

This is important, people all across the country have lost money to there crooks, please Print Head up warning

Remember checks for #money are fraud.

letter the fifteenth: question answered

I've always wondered why some spam e-mails were so poorly written.  I mean, you would think they would snare in more people if PayPal wasn't spelled pay pall or the syntax makes no sense whatsoever (e.g. An inn when he suddenly noticed).

I've discovered why they do that: only three people have a grasp of the English language. Take this request for a small classified ad for example.

Hello,
I am writing to place an ad for pet and i want it online and in newspaper. I can make prepayment with a credit card. Please email me back and let me know what you need for my ad.
HERE IS MY AD COPY : 2 AKC registered puppies free to good home, . They have current shorts and play along with children and other animals. contact ([E-MAIL ADDRESS]) for more information.
Above is my ad copy and i will like the ad to run for just 7 days in all your pappers and online.
The reason why i want to give the dogs away is because, i'm relocating to a new apartment and my new landlord does not accept animal so i have to find a good home for them.
I await your e-mail.
Thank you



The person who forwarded this said the e-mail went straight to the spam folder that he just happened to be checking. He figured it was a scam anyway, since most free puppy ads wind up meaning "I don't know how to take care of animals but I don't want the horrible death of this one to be on my hands. Take this free $50,000 vet bill!"

Since the e-mail address isn't obviously one for a newspaper (the contributor's pseudo-private e-mail address that is only posted in the physical paper) and the sender mentioned that it was a newspaper, the contributor is going with there is a real-live person behind this. I'm going with that too. So I can make fun of the e-mail.

It starts out fine: you want an ad and you're willing to pay for it. You just bought me one more day before the layoffs. I really hope you don't want to do this completely by e-mail but, if so, it's your credit card number you're willing to e-mail it to us, it's your identity.

We're glad you want out feedback for your ad. We're also glad your puppies have current shorts. The last thing anyone needs are puppies in things that were so two years ago.

We also value your explanation on why you want to give the dogs away. We really care. Really. We always ask why people sell things on the classified page. If we think you're a prick trying to pawn off two terrors to someone, the ad is off.  But you need a good home for the puppies. We'll be delighted to put them in our pappers. We'll even put them in the papers as well but it'll cost you more.

letter the thirteenth: election carpet bomb

The body of this leditor is unimportant and is hard to present without the sheer volume of blotted out identifying info making this look like a letter sent to the Europe during World War II (taking out the e-mail addresses was bad enough. As you'll see in  a second, I grew tired doing it one by one). Long story short, it was about an election canidate by a former and totally not disgruntled at all campaign official sent less than three weeks before the election. This person had a hot tip about how godawful the person he initially was a hardcore campaigner for was and wanted a couple people to know.

As you can see from the photo, this e-mail went out to just a few people. From what I could tell from some research, that would be about 30 people at a NBC station, an account at Time Magazine, 36 people at a CBS station, a couple of four people at an ABC station (gee, I wonder which TV station this guy favors?), at least two newspapers and the D. James Kennedy Center for Christian Statesmanship. I don't know why either.

This apparently just one in a series of e-mails the went on to nearly 5:30 a.m. over the course of a weekend and included varying combination of news outlets. The journalist who submitted this said it appears that only two news outlets responded to this stunning revelation, one of which taking a detailed look.

The contributor said his/her outlet passed on this story because 1) it was less than three weeks before the election; 2) it sounded fishy because of where it was from and why; 3) it will probably lead to a "sue-lebration" if any of the story is wrong and the election is obviously affected; and 4) "Really, dude?" the contributor said. "The only person you forgot to send your outrage to was the weekend anchor's parakeet."

Needless to say, the contributor said, the candidate sent out a statement about seeking legal action against the campaign worker and possibly one of the news outlets, which might have had a misstep in this field of bullshit, pending the outcome of the election. That e-mail was carpet-bombed as well but not as extensively.

I think I wouldn't wish this election night or being a part of this glorious e-mail list on my worst enemy.

letter the twelfth: voicemail

If only I had a recording of this. The contributor has transcribed this message he got on his phone at about 7 a.m. He said the crazies usually call the reporters early because they're hoping no one will answer the phone. He said he was at work early once and the person on the line stammered that he didn't expect anyone to be there and quickly ended the call.

Anyway, here's the transcript of the voicemail:
"[GIVES NAME] I was reading your article, [HEADLINE], and I noticed that you wrote '[MAIN PERSON IN THE STORY] said' 11 times. Don't you think that's a little excessive? Maybe you should spice it up a bit. [LEFT PHONE NUMBER]"

I don't know about you all but one the first things I was taught was that anything other than "___ said" is to be used in a magazine piece, feature or nonfiction. It is not our place to say someone stormed out of the room or exclaimed something or commented or any other crazy half-synonym of said. This is a newspaper. We try very hard to just give the facts in light of everyone thinking we have some sort of agenda. Our only agenda is getting this damn story done so we can resume drinking. For those of us who do want to write a career-escaping novel, using said all the time can get repetitive but no newspaper will say anyone remarked, declared, mentioned, revealed, alleged, insinuated, yelled, what have you. As innocuous as that looks, that is editorializing. If that happens, then it is time for the tin-foil hat people to wonder if opinion is being inserted into an article. Also, using said moves the attribution into the background. You don't want people stopping on that. Attribution is important but the information is what's necessary, not that we felt that someone "claimed that mangoes are the greatest fruits ever."

Also, WHO FRICKIN' COUNTS HOW MANY TIMES SAID IS USED IN AN ARTICLE?! Do  you not have anything else to do with your life? Where did this come from? Have you been reading newspapers for 30 years and this was the final straw? Thousands upon thousands of "___ said" day in and day out just finally drove you up the wall? DEAR LORD, WHY WON'T THEY SPICE IT UP A BIT?!!!??//!!1111ONEELEVEN?/ NOT THE VARSITY.

Letter the eleventh: where's my free news?

This one isn't really crazy but it's the principle of it.

[PUBLISHER],
Though the [NEWSPAPER] is published only twice per week I would hope that the website woudl be kep up-to-date. I have been viewing the same 'headlines' for the past 2 weeks*, i.e. latest website entries (Sept. 11-Sept 24 '09). The same with the Obituary Listing (Obituary marked Oct 9, 09 has listed obituaries from October 2 and no further). How can the obituaries be marked October 9th, when today is only October 8, 09. ??
Inconsistency, to say the least.

I once had the [NEWSPAPER] delivered to my address a few years back. Because the '[CLEVER DIMINUTIVE FOR THE NEWSPAPER]" was cutting back on their subscribers, they deemed it unecessary not to have home delivery at my address in [LOCATION], because they considered me in the 'boonies.' That's fine if they wished it this way. ... but at least try to keep the website updated so that we would have the most recent local/state news and the most recent obituaries in the [REGION].
Thank you for your time.
[Signature]
[CUTESY INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE SIGNATURE]



The journalist sending this said, as far he knows, no one has been persuaded to unsubscribe because it's too far away. In fact, the paper is delivered by the U.S. Postal Service so they don't care how far away someone is. "Furthermore, cutting back on subscribers seems like stupidest effing idea I've ever heard," the contributor said. "If that were a policy, the person who agreed to it needs a pica pole up the ass. Sideways."

So, says the Leditor Editor, this person is complaining about a dearth of free hyperlocal news because the newspaper allegedly persuaded this person not to pay for it?

Yes, how dare you not give your product away for free for people who don't want to pay for it.

I believe that online is the future. For starters, we'll stop killing trees like they're zombies. It is important for sites to be fresh or that "e-newspaper" is going to be left by the wayside.  At the same time, we have to stop giving them away online.  Right now, advertising on paper is still what business want and if we aren't getting smushed dead trees with ink on them out of the metal boxes, we aren't getting paid. That department store has better chances of someone idly flipping through their glossy circular than any company hoping someone will click the flashing ad in the corner and poke around their site.

When it comes to national news, the physical ad people become a problem because the necessity is for people to be on the site and it would be great if all the ads and viewers were there. This is because, if news isn't posted on the site as it happens some blogger is going to have it everywhere or an online only news site will have it and your version in print the next day is beyond yesterday's news.

With a hyperlocal, where else are they going to get it?  That big city daily doesn't care about the garden club or [SHOT!] JV Football (NOT THE VARSiTY). Until the industry finally gets completely into the late 20th century in 2024, we need to squeeze every penny out of the printed page. You can have a Web site with digital frilly edges and shiny things but don't give away the hyperlocal news.

If they don't like it, tough. It's not like it's not over $2.  If you have concerns about your hippie trees, the Arbor Day Foundation will give you some to plant for a donation.

*As an aside, the contributor said the complaint had to have come during the site's redesign and the naming of new people to update the site. At the time, there was a message that the new site was under construction and those issues just didn't make it online. Only two issues had been missed since the relaunch and that was because those new people forgot they volunteered themselves for the duty. That happened after this e-mail was sent.