(INSERT TITLE HERE)

[The watermark is of some dude running, by the way ... he runs like a Ford?]

[Please ignore the (insert man behind the curtain)]

Date: (Insert date)

For Immediate Release

Contact: (Insert name and phone number of contact person at Dealership)

(INSERT DEALERSHIP NAME) OF (INSERT CITY) HAS ACHIEVED FORD MOTOR COMPANY'S HIGHEST DEALER HONOR — THE 2001 PRESIDENT'S AWARD

Every year Ford Motor Company honors Dealerships that have gone above and beyond their customers' expectation with the President's Award.

What makes this award even more significant is that customers are judges. Through a comprehensive survey, customers rate Dealers on the basis of their sales, service and overall ownership experience.

This year, 340 Dealerships out of some 5,000 were awarded this high honor.

"It's a thrill to receive this recognition from out customers," says (INSERT DEALERSHIP NAME) owner, (INSERT DEALER NAME).

"Making sure our customers are happy is what everyone who works here strives for. And it takes real teamwork to make it happen. From the people who answer our phones our sales folks to our technicians, everyone plays a part in customer satisfaction. I couldn't be more proud of our staff. They're the reason we've won this award," emphasizes (INSERT DEALER NAME [NOT THE VARSITY])

(INSERT DEALERSHIP NAME) is located at (INSERT ADDRESS). [AM I THE ONLY ONE AT THIS POINT SAYING, "HUH, HUH ... 'INSERT?'"] The service department phone number is (INSERT PHONE NUMBER). Hours are (INSERT WEEKLY HOURS).

Happy New Year!

"Please run with the attached photo."

"They sent it to us on wallpaper."

For some reason, my first thought was that the copy editor meant it was a screen capture from someone's desktop. Oh no. No.

This is taped to a strip of paste-in-your-grandma's-dining-room wallpaper. To quote c-money, WHY?
Is it supposed to make it look pretty?  Do they realized we aren't going to scan it in, especially after they scratched out shit in the write up? What the hell? Really.

"Place it on its side and it's a symbol meaning Infinity"

I was excited when I got a envelope that said in all caps "U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES ... OFFICIAL BUSINESS." I wondered what it could possibly be and figured whatever it was it had to be incredibly awesome because it wasn't from a representative from our coverage area. I wondered if I were going to D.C. to cover something or got invited to something or if all of those rumors that journalists get paid off by every Tom, Dick and Harry were actually true and I was about to become someone's pundit.

The answer? None of the above. Or Simon and Garfunkel.

Let's take a gander at this. I didn't mean to blot out his name for this technical celebritor. If you're that concerned about who it is, I'll make you work for it. The packet was effectively a press release and a glossy brochure on the representative's commission. We're quite far from not only that district and D.C. and we're a hyperlocal so it doesn't pertain to us directly. I mean, we could localize it but it would be awesome if someone from our coverage area was involved.

Then there's the Simon and Garfunkel quote. I like Simon and Garfunkel. I wasn't expecting to see Simon and Garfunkel so something with a shiny U.S. seal and a watermarked cursive "Liberty" on the paper and the words "HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES" to have a quote from a Simon and Garfunkel song.

Then there's the signature. As you can see, the good representative's initials are F.R.W.  I can't think of an instance where any of those letters would resemble an 8.  When I showed this to someone to point out the out-of-the-blue Simon and Garfunkel quote, the first question was "Why is there a giant blue 8 on the letter?"

Oh, and he spelled my name wrong. There are several variations of spelling for my name (it's a common name ... sorta) and it always comes out wrong. I, of course, feel my version is correct but more famous people have the version I get.

It's wrong on my business cards. One of our page designers spelled it wrong on a page I didn't proof after my name was stuck on it. I've sent one of my friends several e-mails with my signature attached in large c-money-style letters and, in the reply, he spells my name wrong. I had hoped a member of Congress who wouldn't know me from Adam but found it fit to send me and probably every newspaper in the state his pitch to curb federal spending to have the resources to spell my fucking name correctly.

If you're wondering about the subject title and the quote next to the 8, look here.

Short & Sweet

Someone liked my recent theme of adding comments directly to the leditor. I approve.

Hed: A great budget gift for those on a budget
Suggested hed: A great sucky headline for those who suck

spam we can believe in

I know this isn't a leditor per se but it routed the spam filter and got to the inbox. I HAD to open it. It's from the Barack H. Obama Foundation. How could I not? Especially since it came twice.

I'm so glad the president decided to give me a bit of economic stimulus (gee ... that sounds dirty) and set up some money in an alleged bank in the United Kingdom with a domain of 8.am when it's clearly 7:18.am. And what's up with the Spanish at the bottom? It is too early in the morning for me to try to translate that. It probably says, "I can't believe you American idiot will give us this information. We're going to rob you blind and I bet you'll blame the president!"
That's all I got for now. I'm far too busy to poke more fun at this. Feel free to poke fun yourself.
Not slightly racist at all,

Abon'go Leditor Editor

don't let the door hit you ...

Some newspaper staffers at the "Harvard Crimson" had a bit of the ol' sour grapes as they were leaving their positions. This is amazing. My only comment is burn. Very burn. Read it here.

yeah. we have room for that.

One of my pet peeves is when people want to put an "ad" in the paper. Some of the time, they have something newsworthy and there is an awkward moment where a church group or the retired principal who just voted the greatest educator in the history of the world grabs a checkbook and asks how much we're charging.  Then they seem surprised/embarrassed/offended when don't have to pay. I'm assuming it's how the general populace think we work because the vast media conspiracy gets paid to run articles. Our payoffs are so great, it's surprising that newspaper parking lots are often mistaken for "buy here pay here" used car lots.

Then there are the people who say they want to place and "ad" and, after talking to them for 10 seconds, you realize they actually want to place an ad and aren't pitching a story/press release on the community page. Then get angry when you try to get them to pay for it.

Our contributing editor answered a phone call about a pageant.

"It sounded like it was over and one with and we'd get a press release and a photo of the winner and runners up," the editor said. "They also mentioned something about the money collected going to charity."

The editor announced that the release was coming down the pike and there was a groan and a mention that the "release" went to File 13 the year before. Before a question could be asked about that, a Death-Star-sized e-mail apparently appeared in the inbox.

"The event hadn't happened yet," the editor said. "The 'release' when into detail about pricing for the event and included photos of all of the contestants. All of them. Well over 25.

The woman called a few seconds later. She asked if the e-mail arrived, the contributor said. She wanted confirmation that all of the photos were running.

"I panicked for a second," The editor said. "Think of the size of a newspaper and the size of a standard mugshot. Along with the press release, that was half a page easily. I told her no and there was a pause before she exploded. 'It's all or nothing!' was one of the things she ranted before I just told her we'd see what we can do."

So far, they have just ran a modified release. No word yet if she went ballistic. that might explain why I haven't heard back yet.

I just find this ridiculous. Even if this were a non profit event, no one has room for that unless they're well on the road of going out of print. An all or nothing? Wow, your 50 cents a day (if you read the paper) gives you the authority to give an ultimatum.  My other question is why. Why is it necessary to run photos of pageant contestants BEFORE the pageant? Is the audience voting. Are you trying to entice an audience beforehand? I don't see how this benefits ... oh, wait ... I do. And that's a bit creepy.

Saturday bonus: The leditor strikes back

In Toronto, an editor got a memo from the publisher saying that editing would be outsourced. In return, the editor edited the memo.

There will have to be some changes as our industry redefines itself but having people with some institutional memory is important. In general editors stick around longer than reporters so they know enough of the history of something so the paper doesn't make a very, very stupid error.

The marked up memo is here. (Anyone know how to make blogger open links in a new tab?) All else I'll say is this: if you're going to be the publisher of a newspaper and send something out to, say your employees (especially if it's bad news), at least do it in AP style.  Then again, I only know of one publisher off the top of my head who has ever written a single newspaper article.

letter the eighth: not a prostitute

This one is not a leditor per se but a story from a contributor about an attempt to submit a letter to the editor that went horribly awry. I'm a little skeptical. At the same time, from working in a newsroom, I also see this happening. Either way, I found the mental image of this funny.

Since I find it funny and I need more content, here's a story. And I need more content. Yep, I'm going to beg for it like not a prostitute till the inbox is overflowing.



TO THE LEDITOR:

I used to work in a two-story newspaper building and, because of how customer needs were set up, some of them were sent upstairs into the newsroom.  As some of you know, you really don't want readers in the newsroom.  Ever. They tend to be crude, dirty and sometimes deviant. And I haven't even described the people yet.

As you also know, you also don't want the customers in the newsroom because some of them are a verb short of a nut graf.

One day, we get a woman upstairs who immediately demands submission of a letter to the editor or an article written about her. She had been in our police blotter a while before when she was charged with prostitution, solicitation and trespassing.  I found this to be a good time to start calling sources so I wouldn't have to deal with it.

I'm not saying she was a prostitute but, from how she was dressed that day, I could see how an officer could be confused. Her story was that she was behind a gas station trying to get $5 for gas or something and said the cop asked her what she would do for $5 and then she said ... and this is me tuning out the conversation in front of me.

Our managing editor was in the process of leaving the office early and ran into the scene. The person dealing with the woman and had no idea what to do immediately said, "Here is our managing editor," and quickly retreated.

The woman said she wanted to clear her name. He felt the situation was out of his control, tried to get her to understand there was really nothing we could do and then tried to dump her off on someone else since he was going home. It would have been me, because she was arrested in my beat but, luckily, I moved on to my next call: a state police officer who was about to retire.

As this was going on, I noticed that she had two very large sheets of paper. She unfurled them and showed them to the editor. She had very, very ornate handwriting so it looked like she was trying to hand him the Declaration of Independence.

I got the beep and started to leave a message and it got out of hand in the background quickly.  I paused.

"Run my letter! I am not a prostitute!"

I missed what boss man said but it finally pushed her over the edge.

“I'm gonna go postal; I'll make the massacre at Virginia Tech look like a kindergarten!”

She turned and started to run.  Someone was coming up the stairs and she nearly pushed that person down in the process.

While everyone was still frozen by the WTF-ness after she left the room, I didn't skip a beat.

“As I was saying, we have heard that you were retiring. ...”

Our editor called the polce, we conveniently got her address from the blotter and mailed her a letter from our lawyers saying not to come to the building again.

Although I'm certain he had to have heard it in the voicemail, the state trooper didn't mention the yelling at all when I talked to him.

I wish I could share the leditor but, sadly, she took ye olde leditore with her.