Thursday Deaths, vol. 8

This will be the last one for a while since the contributor got a new job after this one.

That said, lets give our final final respects to the following:

• Choose your own price;
• If there will be only girls around, will you be ready?;
• Swiss branded watches;
• I had an accident, come now!;
• Let's meet as usually;
• Don't go home now!;
• 80% off? No;
• Release all your fantasies tonight; and
• For sure, you will feel more pleasure after a short course of enhancing.

I guess, for now on, prices will be chosen for us but we don't have to worry about the price of Swiss branded watches because they don't exist anymore. #2 may have been ready for only girls but not the Grim Reaper? I think that #4-6 may have saved us from an “accident” at home. Per #7, rumors of 80% off's demise have been greatly exaggerated. Because of #8, there will be no fantasies being released until further notice ... especially in the Champagne Room. Lastly, the life of a short course of enhancing was tragically cut short. Hopefully, it was more pleasurable in the process.

May they rest in peace.

Thursday Deaths, vol. 7

Let us pay our respects to the following. May they rest in peace.

• GPS tracking with Google Earth;
• Your order; and, saddest of all,
• Solving ALL love making problems in a matter of few minutes.

From what I've heard, a slight mapping mistake led GPS tracking, who was hiking with Your order, directly into the gaping mouth of a volcano. As you may recall, we lost Solution for your sexual life in August. 'Tis a pity. Who can we turn to now? What could have been the solution to our sexual lives? What could have solved not some but ALL love making problems in a matter of few minutes? Now we'll never know! The horror!

Thursday Deaths, vol. 6

The obits e-mail account was full of shocking news today.
Let us pause and give our condolences to:
• CNN Alerts: My custom alert;
• Second Month;
• 1301-364;
• Solution for your sexual life; and
• Big pecker equal more action

Not only did we lose the entire month of February overnight, the number 937 is no longer with us. I'm so incredibly sorry that the solution for your sexual life is gone and you have no idea how near and dear CNN Alerts: My custom alert was to my heart.

May they rest in peace.

Thursday Deaths, vol. 5

The spammers got a little creative this week. If poetry is dead, they killed it.
"What do you do with a B.A. in English?" Well, poetry majors can no longer aspire to work for Burma Shave so I guess penis enlargement ads are the next best thing. The following are the first lines of two consecutive e-mails that came in the spam folder.

"Your member will rich with every inch/Your male tool will shine like a jewel"
"Swim in deeper ocean with your new proportion"

Instead of deleting them, I almost want to send a reply along the line of that being a valiant effort but I must give them a C. Now, if they send me spam in a spondee or an iamb instead of childish trochees, I might just be inclined to buy their snake oil.

oh, yesterday was THURSday

Per the spam in the obituary folder, let us pause and give our condolences to:
• eiarerre;
• FW: New mba for you;
• Big tool at work;
• +Acro bat 8 Pro+;
• swampland tends;
• Ask and you shall be given; and
• Operation sex siege

All flags will be raised at half mast for Big tool at work. I will always miss +Acro bat 8 Pro+ and I don't know what I'll do without swampland tends. It just seems like Operation sex siege ended prematurely.

May they rest in peace.

Thursday Deaths, vol. 3

We are sorry to say that more spam e-mails have died.
Let us pause and give our condolences to:
• 70% discount. Coupon #JrP3;
• 80% discount. Code #UMuj;
• Grow a longer tool;
• Rumbles; and
• Significant penis thickening with strong orgasm

Isn't it so tragic? 70 AND 80 percent discount in one literally fatal swoop?
And whatever shall we do without Rumbles?
Alas, poor Significant penis thickening with strong orgasm! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at it.

May they rest in peace.

Thursday Deaths, vol. 2

The following have kicked the bucket, per our obituary e-mail inbox:
• Try this, you won't regret it
• How would you like to have your ad on 2 million websites?
• liittske
• beebo
• Turn yours into a big rod

I'm going to miss liittske and beebo. They died before their time. And I can remember all the jokes How would you like to have your ad on 2 million websites? would tell at every party. He was always a source of fun.

May they rest in peace.

Thursday Deaths, vol. 1

We're going to deviate a little bit here because, content is still slim. Really, guys: There's nearly 60 of you in the Facebook group (and most of you are journalists) and there aren't any strange letters/e-mails/whatever coming to your media organization?

For a couple of six Thursdays, I'm going to do Thursday Deaths. One of the contributors, who is running the Facebook fan page, used to work at a newspaper where it was his job to put in obituaries when he worked on the weekend. As a rule, the funeral homes sent obits to the obituary-only e-mail account with the name of the deceased as the subject. At some point, the account started getting spam.  Here's his take on the poor souls that  bit the dust that he  posted to his Facebook in early 2008.

I'm sorry to say that we must now give our condolences to the families of:
• Blue-pill world news;
• Amaze the girls with your gigantic tool;
• Make your own home sex video, and show off your new big ...;
• An incredible huge schl0ng is no longer an impossibility; and
• Increase by inches today


These folks were truly working stiffs. Now they're just stiff. There is no word as to when the rock-hard memorial stones will be erected.
May they rest in peace.