letter the sixteenth: too much leditor for one room

Sorry for the lateness. I had to do things like edit my newspaper. As I mentioned before, the [SHOT!] JV Football team's biggest fan sent more leditors. Lots more.

Yes, that is a rubber snake on my desk. Don't ask. Here is the next one in the now five-page drinking game series.

Hello it's me again,
Well [SHOT!] JV football team pulled off another win last night against [TEAM]. It would be really nice to see an article in the good ole [NEWSPAPER] about our [SHOT!] JV football team. It woudl be great have the players feel llike our community appreciates their hard work to be 6-3. They may not have the perfect season this year but they have done a lot better than the [OMG THE VARSITY! SOCIAL!] team has done. The [NEWSPAPER] can write articles about everyother team in the [REGION] but our [SHOT!] JV FOOTBALL team.



There was a reply attached to this one.

[NAME],
Did you miss the pictures and score of the JV team last Friday? I am told we have some poor pictures of the [OTHER TEAM] game but no room for tomorrow but something will be in Tuesday. When do you get your subscription delivered? Just curious.



Five bucks says this person never gets the paper. Her response comes tomorrow.

[SHOT!]

Saturday bonus: The leditor strikes back

In Toronto, an editor got a memo from the publisher saying that editing would be outsourced. In return, the editor edited the memo.

There will have to be some changes as our industry redefines itself but having people with some institutional memory is important. In general editors stick around longer than reporters so they know enough of the history of something so the paper doesn't make a very, very stupid error.

The marked up memo is here. (Anyone know how to make blogger open links in a new tab?) All else I'll say is this: if you're going to be the publisher of a newspaper and send something out to, say your employees (especially if it's bad news), at least do it in AP style.  Then again, I only know of one publisher off the top of my head who has ever written a single newspaper article.

letter the fifteenth: question answered

I've always wondered why some spam e-mails were so poorly written.  I mean, you would think they would snare in more people if PayPal wasn't spelled pay pall or the syntax makes no sense whatsoever (e.g. An inn when he suddenly noticed).

I've discovered why they do that: only three people have a grasp of the English language. Take this request for a small classified ad for example.

Hello,
I am writing to place an ad for pet and i want it online and in newspaper. I can make prepayment with a credit card. Please email me back and let me know what you need for my ad.
HERE IS MY AD COPY : 2 AKC registered puppies free to good home, . They have current shorts and play along with children and other animals. contact ([E-MAIL ADDRESS]) for more information.
Above is my ad copy and i will like the ad to run for just 7 days in all your pappers and online.
The reason why i want to give the dogs away is because, i'm relocating to a new apartment and my new landlord does not accept animal so i have to find a good home for them.
I await your e-mail.
Thank you



The person who forwarded this said the e-mail went straight to the spam folder that he just happened to be checking. He figured it was a scam anyway, since most free puppy ads wind up meaning "I don't know how to take care of animals but I don't want the horrible death of this one to be on my hands. Take this free $50,000 vet bill!"

Since the e-mail address isn't obviously one for a newspaper (the contributor's pseudo-private e-mail address that is only posted in the physical paper) and the sender mentioned that it was a newspaper, the contributor is going with there is a real-live person behind this. I'm going with that too. So I can make fun of the e-mail.

It starts out fine: you want an ad and you're willing to pay for it. You just bought me one more day before the layoffs. I really hope you don't want to do this completely by e-mail but, if so, it's your credit card number you're willing to e-mail it to us, it's your identity.

We're glad you want out feedback for your ad. We're also glad your puppies have current shorts. The last thing anyone needs are puppies in things that were so two years ago.

We also value your explanation on why you want to give the dogs away. We really care. Really. We always ask why people sell things on the classified page. If we think you're a prick trying to pawn off two terrors to someone, the ad is off.  But you need a good home for the puppies. We'll be delighted to put them in our pappers. We'll even put them in the papers as well but it'll cost you more.

Thursday Deaths, vol. 2

The following have kicked the bucket, per our obituary e-mail inbox:
• Try this, you won't regret it
• How would you like to have your ad on 2 million websites?
• liittske
• beebo
• Turn yours into a big rod

I'm going to miss liittske and beebo. They died before their time. And I can remember all the jokes How would you like to have your ad on 2 million websites? would tell at every party. He was always a source of fun.

May they rest in peace.

letter the fourteenth: loss for words

I've been waiting for post this one. Partially because I was trying to figure out what in the blue hell it said. Partially because I was waiting for more leditors from somewhere so this would be the first big dip in our roller coaster ride of crazy. I guess, at this point, since all I have left or the spam "obits," this instead will be going out with a bang. That is, until you all start submitting stuff on a more frequent basis. This trickle is killing me!

Obadiah in Bible said even as your have drunk drinking upon Gods Holy Utah Mountains do [WHAT?] wrong to Lords Ambassador Albanian Mormon Prince david His family so shall all the heathen continually drink upon you.

[WHAT?] causing attacks on your am ambassadors the embassies other targets in outside United States. Riots by blacks Negroes startinged April 1964 - crime on your Mexican border - raids into United States - rapes houses taken people kidnapped - pay ransoms -

On 9-11-00 in detroit - Michigan a metro Christian [NAME] in answer to davids letter said on TV-26 if Mormons make polygamy legal he [COMPLETE MESS OF TEXT] get guns go to Salt Lake City to stop Mormons comit murder his holy war-

On 9-11-01 Jesus Christ had Saidi Arabian Prince Osama Bin Laden A polygamist attack twin towers World Trade Center in New York the Pentagon - the White House

On 9-11-09 and Attack is planed to murder. As many U.S. citizen as possible 9-11-09 You should Make polygamy legal.

Ambassadors for Christ Pastor [ADDRESS].

Another attack by man from Jordan was planned ot take place October 2009.Terrorist. U.S. Bastards - Plummer holy war - Your doing wrong to Jesus son david.



I'm so confused. I'm so, so confused.  What the hell is this?  It's like someonedrank to the point that he thought he was a Mormon prophet. But Mormons don't even drink coffee. I think this guy is blaming 9/11, Detroit's race riots in the '60s, illegal immigration and Apple Jacks not tasting like apples on the U.S. making polygamy illegal. Yes, all the terrorists will like us if we had multiple wives. Also, I might not know my Bible from cover to cover but I'm pretty sure it would have been very hard for David to actually be Albanian, especially since, apparently, the Balkans were known as Illyria at the time. Oh, and the Bible mentions the begets several times and he is not Albanian unless that's where the Garden of Eden was.

The contributor said this guy sends things in all the time and this is just the beginning (something we just HAVE to see ... hint, hint).

"[L]ately they've been more frantic, with many pages taped together and stuffed inside a tiny envelope," the contributor said. "Jesus and 9/11, together again."

I don't know about you all but I'd would be making sure there wasn't any power in these and would wash my hand after handling any of his correspondence.

This is just ... Wow. This is probably the first time I have said "This guy needs to be committed" and meant it.

Someone has to be able to top this. Send it to leditoreditor [at] gmail.com. Please. May heathen continually drink upon you if you don't.

letter the thirteenth: election carpet bomb

The body of this leditor is unimportant and is hard to present without the sheer volume of blotted out identifying info making this look like a letter sent to the Europe during World War II (taking out the e-mail addresses was bad enough. As you'll see in  a second, I grew tired doing it one by one). Long story short, it was about an election canidate by a former and totally not disgruntled at all campaign official sent less than three weeks before the election. This person had a hot tip about how godawful the person he initially was a hardcore campaigner for was and wanted a couple people to know.

As you can see from the photo, this e-mail went out to just a few people. From what I could tell from some research, that would be about 30 people at a NBC station, an account at Time Magazine, 36 people at a CBS station, a couple of four people at an ABC station (gee, I wonder which TV station this guy favors?), at least two newspapers and the D. James Kennedy Center for Christian Statesmanship. I don't know why either.

This apparently just one in a series of e-mails the went on to nearly 5:30 a.m. over the course of a weekend and included varying combination of news outlets. The journalist who submitted this said it appears that only two news outlets responded to this stunning revelation, one of which taking a detailed look.

The contributor said his/her outlet passed on this story because 1) it was less than three weeks before the election; 2) it sounded fishy because of where it was from and why; 3) it will probably lead to a "sue-lebration" if any of the story is wrong and the election is obviously affected; and 4) "Really, dude?" the contributor said. "The only person you forgot to send your outrage to was the weekend anchor's parakeet."

Needless to say, the contributor said, the candidate sent out a statement about seeking legal action against the campaign worker and possibly one of the news outlets, which might have had a misstep in this field of bullshit, pending the outcome of the election. That e-mail was carpet-bombed as well but not as extensively.

I think I wouldn't wish this election night or being a part of this glorious e-mail list on my worst enemy.

letter the twelfth: voicemail

If only I had a recording of this. The contributor has transcribed this message he got on his phone at about 7 a.m. He said the crazies usually call the reporters early because they're hoping no one will answer the phone. He said he was at work early once and the person on the line stammered that he didn't expect anyone to be there and quickly ended the call.

Anyway, here's the transcript of the voicemail:
"[GIVES NAME] I was reading your article, [HEADLINE], and I noticed that you wrote '[MAIN PERSON IN THE STORY] said' 11 times. Don't you think that's a little excessive? Maybe you should spice it up a bit. [LEFT PHONE NUMBER]"

I don't know about you all but one the first things I was taught was that anything other than "___ said" is to be used in a magazine piece, feature or nonfiction. It is not our place to say someone stormed out of the room or exclaimed something or commented or any other crazy half-synonym of said. This is a newspaper. We try very hard to just give the facts in light of everyone thinking we have some sort of agenda. Our only agenda is getting this damn story done so we can resume drinking. For those of us who do want to write a career-escaping novel, using said all the time can get repetitive but no newspaper will say anyone remarked, declared, mentioned, revealed, alleged, insinuated, yelled, what have you. As innocuous as that looks, that is editorializing. If that happens, then it is time for the tin-foil hat people to wonder if opinion is being inserted into an article. Also, using said moves the attribution into the background. You don't want people stopping on that. Attribution is important but the information is what's necessary, not that we felt that someone "claimed that mangoes are the greatest fruits ever."

Also, WHO FRICKIN' COUNTS HOW MANY TIMES SAID IS USED IN AN ARTICLE?! Do  you not have anything else to do with your life? Where did this come from? Have you been reading newspapers for 30 years and this was the final straw? Thousands upon thousands of "___ said" day in and day out just finally drove you up the wall? DEAR LORD, WHY WON'T THEY SPICE IT UP A BIT?!!!??//!!1111ONEELEVEN?/ NOT THE VARSITY.