letter the twenty-fourth: envelope to the editor

Somewhere in the course of devouring four plates of food Thursday, I apparently ate today's leditor. Luckily, we got another one from the guy who set the nut job meter off the charts.


"Remember I sent you that crazy letter from the guy who was not just content to fill pages with handwritten screed, but actually started taping different letters together?" the contributor said. "Now he just sent an envelope with the writing on the outside. On the inside? Empty! I fear he's at the end of his tether."

Read it and weep. Literally. The capitalization is my estimate of where a sentence would start if there were punctuation. Or lowercase letters (with the exception of the first letter of the city). At least he doesn't dot his capital I.

The dude is definitely hell-bent on having more than one wife. I bet he thinks it's just like having two women in a porno.

United States is now communist Coperate giants give jobs to save labor Cuba has free health care no greedy doctors no insurance needed Give Castro Nobel Peace Prize, its good acorns in White House Laws are now liberal Give men right to choose to have more than one wife – Mormons 2008

letter the twenty-third: from new hampshire with love

So I was recovering from my food coma and work began to call me because I'm a journalist and we never truly have a day off. I decided to check our slush e-mail account to see what sick, depraved individuals were attempting to contact the newspaper on Thanksgiving.

Apparently c-money had time to spare between the turkey and the pumpkin pie and sent not one but two e-mails since midnight. This one is my favorite.

I noticed from the area code of the phone number at the bottom of the leditor that the person is either from or in New Hampshire.  New Hampshire is about nine hours away.

Other than sending these on Thanksgiving morn and them being carpet bomb letters from one of those states those horrible in geography always forget about, there isn't nothing much wrong with this leditor. I'm not jumping into the rights and wrongs of that situation (nor do I want you to in the comments section). It's just the spellign mistakes. Their so atrocious they msut be on perposs.

And what's with the peppermint design up top? I mean, I know it's the holiday season and all but geez.  I honestly couldn't figure out what the first two sentences (headline?) were trying to say on the first go.  The same can be said for the second sentence after the first properly punctuated sentence (I'm using "properly" loosely here).

I know some people have learning disabilities that cause some of the mistakes like these but damn. This looks more like a grave miscarriage of the education system than a problem beyond this person's control.  Another miscarriage was allowing someone named c-money Internet access and the contact info for seemingly every newspaper east of the Mississippi

The request for people to e-mail and/or call the White House makes me wish someone would send down some commanditors. Now those have to be entertaining.

I now return you to your regularly-scheduled overeating. As you watch the football games this weekend, remember all of the hardwork of NOT THE VARSiTY.

If you're in New Hampshire, tell c-money that leditor-slice said what up fo' shizzle.

turkey day

Heading to my parent's where there is spotty (if any) interwebs. The next installment will be Monday. Have a great holiday away from crazy readers ... with your crazy family. And keep the leditors coming if you get the chance!

letter the twenty-second: for the love, someone take this dog

Apparently, the editor who received the pet ad decided to engage both of the spammers/scammers and is waiting for their replies.

"Ah, and so the scam comes to light," the contributor said. Shall I have fun with 'Ben Jones?' I think so."

I hope so.

Let's see. The editor points out that it's the wrong department and gives the e-mail address for classifieds. Additionally, since it makes sense that "Ben Jones" would be local, suggests giving them a call. The editor also points out that it's a twice weekly (as you may recall, Benny-Boy wanted this to run for seven days in all of the pappers).

Two days later, most likely to make sure that enough vodka is ingested to lose all knowledge of the English language, Benjamin half apologizes for bothering the editor with his bullshit scam ad but, by the way, can you tell me when the ad will starting running and ending? I'm so eager to use this credit card number I stole acquired as soon as possible and be long gone with someone's money without having to give away my dear precious yorkis because I'll be able to rent a place that doesn't have a pet policy.

Come one, we write porrrly-spelled bullshit for a living. What's making you thinking we wouldn't see this as a fake, Ben?

oh, yesterday was THURSday

Per the spam in the obituary folder, let us pause and give our condolences to:
• eiarerre;
• FW: New mba for you;
• Big tool at work;
• +Acro bat 8 Pro+;
• swampland tends;
• Ask and you shall be given; and
• Operation sex siege

All flags will be raised at half mast for Big tool at work. I will always miss +Acro bat 8 Pro+ and I don't know what I'll do without swampland tends. It just seems like Operation sex siege ended prematurely.

May they rest in peace.

letter the twenty-first: pardon me, but you're wrong

I admit that I am no fan of stupidity. In fact, I try my best to point it out and often rant about it on this here series of tubes. I also, probably stupidly, don't really pay attention to my own editorial page. I know, what sort of editor doesn't look at/do the editorial page? This one.

Every now and then, I do look at something before it runs and approve of it running. We got this.

An immigrant (we established who it was and let it go anonymously per the request) wondered why immigrants are treated poorly and sometimes deported if he or she commits a crime and tried to justify some being illegal because of the hassle of the Department of Homeland Security and so on and so forth. The writer seemed a bit misinformed but I figured the letter would at least spark some sort of conversation and let it go.

Then this ran without me seeing it. I probably would have let it go but ... ouch. That could have been phrase a little nicer.

If you can't read it consider it tl;dr, let me sum it up. We don't like ILLEGAL immigrants, moron. We deport those. As a citizen, you now have your right to voice your opinion but I also have the right to tell you to shut your whore mouth when I disagree with you and you're wrong. Welcome to America. ... Bitch.

letter the twentieth: WHO WANTS THIS DOG?

The dog is a lie.

The contributor got a third similar e-mail about dogs going to a good home and decided to reply for the benefit of the doubt.

"I guess this scam works by them using someone's identity to buy an ad and then  they somehow get people to give them info in exchange for a non-existent dog," the contributor said.

I think the editor must have been bored. Then again, this sounds so exciting. Jamie is selling/giving away pets!  She or he is willing to pay for it! I can't believe Jamie wants to give your (or anyone's for that matter) newspaper money. No one likes to give newspapers money (especially corporate).  Wait, let me rephrase that. Jamie wants to give YOUR MEDIA money. Please, please tell her how to proceed.

The editor was nice enough to inform Jamie of the nature of their circulation and that she should contact classifieds. The the same dog an pony show appears minus the pony. And the shorts.

I'm glad to see Jamie is an individual. We don't accept ads from the Borg although we've been told resistance is futile. I had no idea how popular Yorkie puppies are and that everyone gets them in twos. Some guy has been trying to get rid of two for quite a bit now. You may have seen him at the last Yorki/Yorkie puppy meet and greet; he was the guy who made sure his puppies had all of their official pappers.

Also, way to change e-mail addresses during this exchange and offer to send over credit card info. This all sounds legit. Totally legit. An individual and for all we know the Borg has four puppies they're dying to get rid of because you always fail to ask if a place is pet friendly AFTER you get two puppies.

I hope this exchange continues.