Wednesday, November 18, 2009

letter the twentieth: WHO WANTS THIS DOG?

The dog is a lie.

The contributor got a third similar e-mail about dogs going to a good home and decided to reply for the benefit of the doubt.



"I guess this scam works by them using someone's identity to buy an ad and then  they somehow get people to give them info in exchange for a non-existent dog," the contributor said.

I think the editor must have been bored. Then again, this sounds so exciting. Jamie is selling/giving away pets!  She or he is willing to pay for it! I can't believe Jamie wants to give your (or anyone's for that matter) newspaper money. No one likes to give newspapers money (especially corporate).  Wait, let me rephrase that. Jamie wants to give YOUR MEDIA money. Please, please tell her how to proceed.

The editor was nice enough to inform Jamie of the nature of their circulation and that she should contact classifieds. The the same dog an pony show appears minus the pony. And the shorts.

I'm glad to see Jamie is an individual. We don't accept ads from the Borg although we've been told resistance is futile. I had no idea how popular Yorkie puppies are and that everyone gets them in twos. Some guy has been trying to get rid of two for quite a bit now. You may have seen him at the last Yorki/Yorkie puppy meet and greet; he was the guy who made sure his puppies had all of their official pappers.

Also, way to change e-mail addresses during this exchange and offer to send over credit card info. This all sounds legit. Totally legit. An individual and for all we know the Borg has four puppies they're dying to get rid of because you always fail to ask if a place is pet friendly AFTER you get two puppies.

I hope this exchange continues.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

letter the nineteenth: ad pet

"I'm guessing the ad department figured this was sketch or spam," today's contributor said. "He either writes spam for a living and forgot how to write like a normal human being or it is spam."

Fourteen days after wanting this in all of the "pappers," the person/spammer tries again. Apparently the only thing different is that the "ad advert" has become "ad pet."

"It's not even a forward," our contributor said. "It's a fresh e-mail. The only thing different is the new subject line and the line breaks. If you need to get rid of the dog so badly and we haven't responded to an e-mail yet, there is a thing called a telephone. Oh wait. Spambots don't have telephones."


Spambots do have "pappers" though. And yorkis with current shorts.

If this contributor keeps getting this e-mail, I may need to create a new drinking game.

Monday, November 16, 2009

yeah. we have room for that.

One of my pet peeves is when people want to put an "ad" in the paper. Some of the time, they have something newsworthy and there is an awkward moment where a church group or the retired principal who just voted the greatest educator in the history of the world grabs a checkbook and asks how much we're charging.  Then they seem surprised/embarrassed/offended when don't have to pay. I'm assuming it's how the general populace think we work because the vast media conspiracy gets paid to run articles. Our payoffs are so great, it's surprising that newspaper parking lots are often mistaken for "buy here pay here" used car lots.

Then there are the people who say they want to place and "ad" and, after talking to them for 10 seconds, you realize they actually want to place an ad and aren't pitching a story/press release on the community page. Then get angry when you try to get them to pay for it.

Our contributing editor answered a phone call about a pageant.

"It sounded like it was over and one with and we'd get a press release and a photo of the winner and runners up," the editor said. "They also mentioned something about the money collected going to charity."

The editor announced that the release was coming down the pike and there was a groan and a mention that the "release" went to File 13 the year before. Before a question could be asked about that, a Death-Star-sized e-mail apparently appeared in the inbox.

"The event hadn't happened yet," the editor said. "The 'release' when into detail about pricing for the event and included photos of all of the contestants. All of them. Well over 25.

The woman called a few seconds later. She asked if the e-mail arrived, the contributor said. She wanted confirmation that all of the photos were running.

"I panicked for a second," The editor said. "Think of the size of a newspaper and the size of a standard mugshot. Along with the press release, that was half a page easily. I told her no and there was a pause before she exploded. 'It's all or nothing!' was one of the things she ranted before I just told her we'd see what we can do."

So far, they have just ran a modified release. No word yet if she went ballistic. that might explain why I haven't heard back yet.

I just find this ridiculous. Even if this were a non profit event, no one has room for that unless they're well on the road of going out of print. An all or nothing? Wow, your 50 cents a day (if you read the paper) gives you the authority to give an ultimatum.  My other question is why. Why is it necessary to run photos of pageant contestants BEFORE the pageant? Is the audience voting. Are you trying to entice an audience beforehand? I don't see how this benefits ... oh, wait ... I do. And that's a bit creepy.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

closed due to flooding

Sorry about there not being a Friday leditor. We kinda had a large coastal storm and the latest submission is now on my desk. About 25 miles away.

Additionally, unless I get some more submissions soon, we'll just about wind down with that one. Send stories of ludicrous voicemail, crazy letters to the editor or the aftermath of talking to the wrong person for an article to leditoreditor [at] gmail.com

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Thursday Deaths, vol. 3

We are sorry to say that more spam e-mails have died.
Let us pause and give our condolences to:
• 70% discount. Coupon #JrP3;
• 80% discount. Code #UMuj;
• Grow a longer tool;
• Rumbles; and
• Significant penis thickening with strong orgasm

Isn't it so tragic? 70 AND 80 percent discount in one literally fatal swoop?
And whatever shall we do without Rumbles?
Alas, poor Significant penis thickening with strong orgasm! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at it.

May they rest in peace.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

letter the eighteenth: hell again

When we last left off Ms. NOT THE VARSITY, was asked when she got her paper because, although [SHOT!] JV football wasn't covered extensively, it was in the paper. She apparently isn't satisfied with the coverage they gave [SHOT!] JV football or she does not read this newspaper at all because the reply to her e-mails makes it seem that the [SHOT!] JV football is definitely getting some sort of coverage and I'm assuming it's on Fridays in this twice-weekly newspaper the games are midweek.  We'll probably find out how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop before we know why she doesn't get the logic behind an event on Wednesday being in a Friday paper and not the following Tuesday if it's a twice-weekly paper.

I really, really hope she has a kid on the team or I think this sports editor needs to alert child protective services. And/or just give her the gift of spell check this Christmas.

[A TUESDAY] Hell Again,
Wanted to send you a quick e-mail on today's [NEWSPAPER]. I picked up today's paper and still NO article on the [SHOT!] JV football. I see a huge article on the [VARSITY! SOCIAL!] football game and everyother team in [REGION]. Even a article on the cheerleading competition that was last week. I was hoping to see an article on our [SHOT!] JV football but NOTHING!. We are playing tomorrow night against [TEAM] in [MUNICIPALITY] so I will buy another paper come Friday to see just maybe if they will be mentioned. All of their Parents, Fans & Supports will be looking as well.
Regards,
HUGE [SHOT!] JV FOOTBALL TEAM FAN!!!!!!!



Seven exclamation marks. She means more business than the guy who didn't like the HorseShit New.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

letter the seventeenth: anything for love but not the varsity

When we last met NOT THE VARSITY, the e-mail had a reply along the ranges of "Do you read the friggin' newspaper?!" because, this paper apparently does cover the [SHOT!] JV football games but not extensively because ... well ... it's [SHOT!] JV football.  I'm not a sports editor and I know that no one really covers [SHOT!] JV football. I don't know where anyone would fit it in a sports section with high school, college and professional sports. I can't even think of a newspaper that covers [SHOT!] JV football at any length at all except for maybe in some agate at the bottom of a page. Additionally, that would lead to a slippery slope of having to cover every single rec league and vacant lot baseball game until the sports writers go on a rampage with a cricket bat.

Then again, covering all of the sports under the sun would probably sell more papers. ...

Anyway, here is the response to the e-mail that stated that [SHOT!] JV football is covered in some for and fashion and she would know that if she read or subscribed to the newspaper.

[NAME],
Evidently I did miss that last Friday, I will have to look again at the newspaper. I don't get a subscription, I buy my newspaper at the store. Why are you so curious of when I buy my newspaper, what does that matter? Where & when I receive my paper has nothing to do with the [SHOT!] JV football team. I'm just trying to get our [SHOT!] JV football some recognition as they have a pretty good year. Our boys have worked really hard and they deserve some recognition [RECOGNITION IS FINALLY SPELLED RIGHT! SOCIAL!]. I see plastered all over the paper about [NOT JUST THE VARSITY BUT OTHER VARSITY TEAMS! CHUG!] I never see anything about the [SHOT!] JV football team. I have had several fans & parents at our games wondering why our boys haven't had an article written about them.
I really appreciate you responding to all my e-mails. I will be looking forward to reading the article in Tuesday's paper.



I will be looking forward to this saga continuing. As well as some more leditors.