letter the twenty-fourth: envelope to the editor

Somewhere in the course of devouring four plates of food Thursday, I apparently ate today's leditor. Luckily, we got another one from the guy who set the nut job meter off the charts.


"Remember I sent you that crazy letter from the guy who was not just content to fill pages with handwritten screed, but actually started taping different letters together?" the contributor said. "Now he just sent an envelope with the writing on the outside. On the inside? Empty! I fear he's at the end of his tether."

Read it and weep. Literally. The capitalization is my estimate of where a sentence would start if there were punctuation. Or lowercase letters (with the exception of the first letter of the city). At least he doesn't dot his capital I.

The dude is definitely hell-bent on having more than one wife. I bet he thinks it's just like having two women in a porno.

United States is now communist Coperate giants give jobs to save labor Cuba has free health care no greedy doctors no insurance needed Give Castro Nobel Peace Prize, its good acorns in White House Laws are now liberal Give men right to choose to have more than one wife – Mormons 2008

letter the twenty-third: from new hampshire with love

So I was recovering from my food coma and work began to call me because I'm a journalist and we never truly have a day off. I decided to check our slush e-mail account to see what sick, depraved individuals were attempting to contact the newspaper on Thanksgiving.

Apparently c-money had time to spare between the turkey and the pumpkin pie and sent not one but two e-mails since midnight. This one is my favorite.

I noticed from the area code of the phone number at the bottom of the leditor that the person is either from or in New Hampshire.  New Hampshire is about nine hours away.

Other than sending these on Thanksgiving morn and them being carpet bomb letters from one of those states those horrible in geography always forget about, there isn't nothing much wrong with this leditor. I'm not jumping into the rights and wrongs of that situation (nor do I want you to in the comments section). It's just the spellign mistakes. Their so atrocious they msut be on perposs.

And what's with the peppermint design up top? I mean, I know it's the holiday season and all but geez.  I honestly couldn't figure out what the first two sentences (headline?) were trying to say on the first go.  The same can be said for the second sentence after the first properly punctuated sentence (I'm using "properly" loosely here).

I know some people have learning disabilities that cause some of the mistakes like these but damn. This looks more like a grave miscarriage of the education system than a problem beyond this person's control.  Another miscarriage was allowing someone named c-money Internet access and the contact info for seemingly every newspaper east of the Mississippi

The request for people to e-mail and/or call the White House makes me wish someone would send down some commanditors. Now those have to be entertaining.

I now return you to your regularly-scheduled overeating. As you watch the football games this weekend, remember all of the hardwork of NOT THE VARSiTY.

If you're in New Hampshire, tell c-money that leditor-slice said what up fo' shizzle.

turkey day

Heading to my parent's where there is spotty (if any) interwebs. The next installment will be Monday. Have a great holiday away from crazy readers ... with your crazy family. And keep the leditors coming if you get the chance!

letter the twenty-second: for the love, someone take this dog

Apparently, the editor who received the pet ad decided to engage both of the spammers/scammers and is waiting for their replies.

"Ah, and so the scam comes to light," the contributor said. Shall I have fun with 'Ben Jones?' I think so."

I hope so.

Let's see. The editor points out that it's the wrong department and gives the e-mail address for classifieds. Additionally, since it makes sense that "Ben Jones" would be local, suggests giving them a call. The editor also points out that it's a twice weekly (as you may recall, Benny-Boy wanted this to run for seven days in all of the pappers).

Two days later, most likely to make sure that enough vodka is ingested to lose all knowledge of the English language, Benjamin half apologizes for bothering the editor with his bullshit scam ad but, by the way, can you tell me when the ad will starting running and ending? I'm so eager to use this credit card number I stole acquired as soon as possible and be long gone with someone's money without having to give away my dear precious yorkis because I'll be able to rent a place that doesn't have a pet policy.

Come one, we write porrrly-spelled bullshit for a living. What's making you thinking we wouldn't see this as a fake, Ben?

oh, yesterday was THURSday

Per the spam in the obituary folder, let us pause and give our condolences to:
• eiarerre;
• FW: New mba for you;
• Big tool at work;
• +Acro bat 8 Pro+;
• swampland tends;
• Ask and you shall be given; and
• Operation sex siege

All flags will be raised at half mast for Big tool at work. I will always miss +Acro bat 8 Pro+ and I don't know what I'll do without swampland tends. It just seems like Operation sex siege ended prematurely.

May they rest in peace.

letter the twenty-first: pardon me, but you're wrong

I admit that I am no fan of stupidity. In fact, I try my best to point it out and often rant about it on this here series of tubes. I also, probably stupidly, don't really pay attention to my own editorial page. I know, what sort of editor doesn't look at/do the editorial page? This one.

Every now and then, I do look at something before it runs and approve of it running. We got this.

An immigrant (we established who it was and let it go anonymously per the request) wondered why immigrants are treated poorly and sometimes deported if he or she commits a crime and tried to justify some being illegal because of the hassle of the Department of Homeland Security and so on and so forth. The writer seemed a bit misinformed but I figured the letter would at least spark some sort of conversation and let it go.

Then this ran without me seeing it. I probably would have let it go but ... ouch. That could have been phrase a little nicer.

If you can't read it consider it tl;dr, let me sum it up. We don't like ILLEGAL immigrants, moron. We deport those. As a citizen, you now have your right to voice your opinion but I also have the right to tell you to shut your whore mouth when I disagree with you and you're wrong. Welcome to America. ... Bitch.

letter the twentieth: WHO WANTS THIS DOG?

The dog is a lie.

The contributor got a third similar e-mail about dogs going to a good home and decided to reply for the benefit of the doubt.

"I guess this scam works by them using someone's identity to buy an ad and then  they somehow get people to give them info in exchange for a non-existent dog," the contributor said.

I think the editor must have been bored. Then again, this sounds so exciting. Jamie is selling/giving away pets!  She or he is willing to pay for it! I can't believe Jamie wants to give your (or anyone's for that matter) newspaper money. No one likes to give newspapers money (especially corporate).  Wait, let me rephrase that. Jamie wants to give YOUR MEDIA money. Please, please tell her how to proceed.

The editor was nice enough to inform Jamie of the nature of their circulation and that she should contact classifieds. The the same dog an pony show appears minus the pony. And the shorts.

I'm glad to see Jamie is an individual. We don't accept ads from the Borg although we've been told resistance is futile. I had no idea how popular Yorkie puppies are and that everyone gets them in twos. Some guy has been trying to get rid of two for quite a bit now. You may have seen him at the last Yorki/Yorkie puppy meet and greet; he was the guy who made sure his puppies had all of their official pappers.

Also, way to change e-mail addresses during this exchange and offer to send over credit card info. This all sounds legit. Totally legit. An individual and for all we know the Borg has four puppies they're dying to get rid of because you always fail to ask if a place is pet friendly AFTER you get two puppies.

I hope this exchange continues.

letter the nineteenth: ad pet

"I'm guessing the ad department figured this was sketch or spam," today's contributor said. "He either writes spam for a living and forgot how to write like a normal human being or it is spam."

Fourteen days after wanting this in all of the "pappers," the person/spammer tries again. Apparently the only thing different is that the "ad advert" has become "ad pet."

"It's not even a forward," our contributor said. "It's a fresh e-mail. The only thing different is the new subject line and the line breaks. If you need to get rid of the dog so badly and we haven't responded to an e-mail yet, there is a thing called a telephone. Oh wait. Spambots don't have telephones."

Spambots do have "pappers" though. And yorkis with current shorts.

If this contributor keeps getting this e-mail, I may need to create a new drinking game.

yeah. we have room for that.

One of my pet peeves is when people want to put an "ad" in the paper. Some of the time, they have something newsworthy and there is an awkward moment where a church group or the retired principal who just voted the greatest educator in the history of the world grabs a checkbook and asks how much we're charging.  Then they seem surprised/embarrassed/offended when don't have to pay. I'm assuming it's how the general populace think we work because the vast media conspiracy gets paid to run articles. Our payoffs are so great, it's surprising that newspaper parking lots are often mistaken for "buy here pay here" used car lots.

Then there are the people who say they want to place and "ad" and, after talking to them for 10 seconds, you realize they actually want to place an ad and aren't pitching a story/press release on the community page. Then get angry when you try to get them to pay for it.

Our contributing editor answered a phone call about a pageant.

"It sounded like it was over and one with and we'd get a press release and a photo of the winner and runners up," the editor said. "They also mentioned something about the money collected going to charity."

The editor announced that the release was coming down the pike and there was a groan and a mention that the "release" went to File 13 the year before. Before a question could be asked about that, a Death-Star-sized e-mail apparently appeared in the inbox.

"The event hadn't happened yet," the editor said. "The 'release' when into detail about pricing for the event and included photos of all of the contestants. All of them. Well over 25.

The woman called a few seconds later. She asked if the e-mail arrived, the contributor said. She wanted confirmation that all of the photos were running.

"I panicked for a second," The editor said. "Think of the size of a newspaper and the size of a standard mugshot. Along with the press release, that was half a page easily. I told her no and there was a pause before she exploded. 'It's all or nothing!' was one of the things she ranted before I just told her we'd see what we can do."

So far, they have just ran a modified release. No word yet if she went ballistic. that might explain why I haven't heard back yet.

I just find this ridiculous. Even if this were a non profit event, no one has room for that unless they're well on the road of going out of print. An all or nothing? Wow, your 50 cents a day (if you read the paper) gives you the authority to give an ultimatum.  My other question is why. Why is it necessary to run photos of pageant contestants BEFORE the pageant? Is the audience voting. Are you trying to entice an audience beforehand? I don't see how this benefits ... oh, wait ... I do. And that's a bit creepy.

closed due to flooding

Sorry about there not being a Friday leditor. We kinda had a large coastal storm and the latest submission is now on my desk. About 25 miles away.

Additionally, unless I get some more submissions soon, we'll just about wind down with that one. Send stories of ludicrous voicemail, crazy letters to the editor or the aftermath of talking to the wrong person for an article to leditoreditor [at] gmail.com

Thursday Deaths, vol. 3

We are sorry to say that more spam e-mails have died.
Let us pause and give our condolences to:
• 70% discount. Coupon #JrP3;
• 80% discount. Code #UMuj;
• Grow a longer tool;
• Rumbles; and
• Significant penis thickening with strong orgasm

Isn't it so tragic? 70 AND 80 percent discount in one literally fatal swoop?
And whatever shall we do without Rumbles?
Alas, poor Significant penis thickening with strong orgasm! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at it.

May they rest in peace.

letter the eighteenth: hell again

When we last left off Ms. NOT THE VARSITY, was asked when she got her paper because, although [SHOT!] JV football wasn't covered extensively, it was in the paper. She apparently isn't satisfied with the coverage they gave [SHOT!] JV football or she does not read this newspaper at all because the reply to her e-mails makes it seem that the [SHOT!] JV football is definitely getting some sort of coverage and I'm assuming it's on Fridays in this twice-weekly newspaper the games are midweek.  We'll probably find out how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop before we know why she doesn't get the logic behind an event on Wednesday being in a Friday paper and not the following Tuesday if it's a twice-weekly paper.

I really, really hope she has a kid on the team or I think this sports editor needs to alert child protective services. And/or just give her the gift of spell check this Christmas.

[A TUESDAY] Hell Again,
Wanted to send you a quick e-mail on today's [NEWSPAPER]. I picked up today's paper and still NO article on the [SHOT!] JV football. I see a huge article on the [VARSITY! SOCIAL!] football game and everyother team in [REGION]. Even a article on the cheerleading competition that was last week. I was hoping to see an article on our [SHOT!] JV football but NOTHING!. We are playing tomorrow night against [TEAM] in [MUNICIPALITY] so I will buy another paper come Friday to see just maybe if they will be mentioned. All of their Parents, Fans & Supports will be looking as well.
Regards,
HUGE [SHOT!] JV FOOTBALL TEAM FAN!!!!!!!



Seven exclamation marks. She means more business than the guy who didn't like the HorseShit New.

letter the seventeenth: anything for love but not the varsity

When we last met NOT THE VARSITY, the e-mail had a reply along the ranges of "Do you read the friggin' newspaper?!" because, this paper apparently does cover the [SHOT!] JV football games but not extensively because ... well ... it's [SHOT!] JV football.  I'm not a sports editor and I know that no one really covers [SHOT!] JV football. I don't know where anyone would fit it in a sports section with high school, college and professional sports. I can't even think of a newspaper that covers [SHOT!] JV football at any length at all except for maybe in some agate at the bottom of a page. Additionally, that would lead to a slippery slope of having to cover every single rec league and vacant lot baseball game until the sports writers go on a rampage with a cricket bat.

Then again, covering all of the sports under the sun would probably sell more papers. ...

Anyway, here is the response to the e-mail that stated that [SHOT!] JV football is covered in some for and fashion and she would know that if she read or subscribed to the newspaper.

[NAME],
Evidently I did miss that last Friday, I will have to look again at the newspaper. I don't get a subscription, I buy my newspaper at the store. Why are you so curious of when I buy my newspaper, what does that matter? Where & when I receive my paper has nothing to do with the [SHOT!] JV football team. I'm just trying to get our [SHOT!] JV football some recognition as they have a pretty good year. Our boys have worked really hard and they deserve some recognition [RECOGNITION IS FINALLY SPELLED RIGHT! SOCIAL!]. I see plastered all over the paper about [NOT JUST THE VARSITY BUT OTHER VARSITY TEAMS! CHUG!] I never see anything about the [SHOT!] JV football team. I have had several fans & parents at our games wondering why our boys haven't had an article written about them.
I really appreciate you responding to all my e-mails. I will be looking forward to reading the article in Tuesday's paper.



I will be looking forward to this saga continuing. As well as some more leditors.

letter the sixteenth: too much leditor for one room

Sorry for the lateness. I had to do things like edit my newspaper. As I mentioned before, the [SHOT!] JV Football team's biggest fan sent more leditors. Lots more.

Yes, that is a rubber snake on my desk. Don't ask. Here is the next one in the now five-page drinking game series.

Hello it's me again,
Well [SHOT!] JV football team pulled off another win last night against [TEAM]. It would be really nice to see an article in the good ole [NEWSPAPER] about our [SHOT!] JV football team. It woudl be great have the players feel llike our community appreciates their hard work to be 6-3. They may not have the perfect season this year but they have done a lot better than the [OMG THE VARSITY! SOCIAL!] team has done. The [NEWSPAPER] can write articles about everyother team in the [REGION] but our [SHOT!] JV FOOTBALL team.



There was a reply attached to this one.

[NAME],
Did you miss the pictures and score of the JV team last Friday? I am told we have some poor pictures of the [OTHER TEAM] game but no room for tomorrow but something will be in Tuesday. When do you get your subscription delivered? Just curious.



Five bucks says this person never gets the paper. Her response comes tomorrow.

[SHOT!]

Saturday bonus: The leditor strikes back

In Toronto, an editor got a memo from the publisher saying that editing would be outsourced. In return, the editor edited the memo.

There will have to be some changes as our industry redefines itself but having people with some institutional memory is important. In general editors stick around longer than reporters so they know enough of the history of something so the paper doesn't make a very, very stupid error.

The marked up memo is here. (Anyone know how to make blogger open links in a new tab?) All else I'll say is this: if you're going to be the publisher of a newspaper and send something out to, say your employees (especially if it's bad news), at least do it in AP style.  Then again, I only know of one publisher off the top of my head who has ever written a single newspaper article.

letter the fifteenth: question answered

I've always wondered why some spam e-mails were so poorly written.  I mean, you would think they would snare in more people if PayPal wasn't spelled pay pall or the syntax makes no sense whatsoever (e.g. An inn when he suddenly noticed).

I've discovered why they do that: only three people have a grasp of the English language. Take this request for a small classified ad for example.

Hello,
I am writing to place an ad for pet and i want it online and in newspaper. I can make prepayment with a credit card. Please email me back and let me know what you need for my ad.
HERE IS MY AD COPY : 2 AKC registered puppies free to good home, . They have current shorts and play along with children and other animals. contact ([E-MAIL ADDRESS]) for more information.
Above is my ad copy and i will like the ad to run for just 7 days in all your pappers and online.
The reason why i want to give the dogs away is because, i'm relocating to a new apartment and my new landlord does not accept animal so i have to find a good home for them.
I await your e-mail.
Thank you



The person who forwarded this said the e-mail went straight to the spam folder that he just happened to be checking. He figured it was a scam anyway, since most free puppy ads wind up meaning "I don't know how to take care of animals but I don't want the horrible death of this one to be on my hands. Take this free $50,000 vet bill!"

Since the e-mail address isn't obviously one for a newspaper (the contributor's pseudo-private e-mail address that is only posted in the physical paper) and the sender mentioned that it was a newspaper, the contributor is going with there is a real-live person behind this. I'm going with that too. So I can make fun of the e-mail.

It starts out fine: you want an ad and you're willing to pay for it. You just bought me one more day before the layoffs. I really hope you don't want to do this completely by e-mail but, if so, it's your credit card number you're willing to e-mail it to us, it's your identity.

We're glad you want out feedback for your ad. We're also glad your puppies have current shorts. The last thing anyone needs are puppies in things that were so two years ago.

We also value your explanation on why you want to give the dogs away. We really care. Really. We always ask why people sell things on the classified page. If we think you're a prick trying to pawn off two terrors to someone, the ad is off.  But you need a good home for the puppies. We'll be delighted to put them in our pappers. We'll even put them in the papers as well but it'll cost you more.

Thursday Deaths, vol. 2

The following have kicked the bucket, per our obituary e-mail inbox:
• Try this, you won't regret it
• How would you like to have your ad on 2 million websites?
• liittske
• beebo
• Turn yours into a big rod

I'm going to miss liittske and beebo. They died before their time. And I can remember all the jokes How would you like to have your ad on 2 million websites? would tell at every party. He was always a source of fun.

May they rest in peace.

letter the fourteenth: loss for words

I've been waiting for post this one. Partially because I was trying to figure out what in the blue hell it said. Partially because I was waiting for more leditors from somewhere so this would be the first big dip in our roller coaster ride of crazy. I guess, at this point, since all I have left or the spam "obits," this instead will be going out with a bang. That is, until you all start submitting stuff on a more frequent basis. This trickle is killing me!

Obadiah in Bible said even as your have drunk drinking upon Gods Holy Utah Mountains do [WHAT?] wrong to Lords Ambassador Albanian Mormon Prince david His family so shall all the heathen continually drink upon you.

[WHAT?] causing attacks on your am ambassadors the embassies other targets in outside United States. Riots by blacks Negroes startinged April 1964 - crime on your Mexican border - raids into United States - rapes houses taken people kidnapped - pay ransoms -

On 9-11-00 in detroit - Michigan a metro Christian [NAME] in answer to davids letter said on TV-26 if Mormons make polygamy legal he [COMPLETE MESS OF TEXT] get guns go to Salt Lake City to stop Mormons comit murder his holy war-

On 9-11-01 Jesus Christ had Saidi Arabian Prince Osama Bin Laden A polygamist attack twin towers World Trade Center in New York the Pentagon - the White House

On 9-11-09 and Attack is planed to murder. As many U.S. citizen as possible 9-11-09 You should Make polygamy legal.

Ambassadors for Christ Pastor [ADDRESS].

Another attack by man from Jordan was planned ot take place October 2009.Terrorist. U.S. Bastards - Plummer holy war - Your doing wrong to Jesus son david.



I'm so confused. I'm so, so confused.  What the hell is this?  It's like someonedrank to the point that he thought he was a Mormon prophet. But Mormons don't even drink coffee. I think this guy is blaming 9/11, Detroit's race riots in the '60s, illegal immigration and Apple Jacks not tasting like apples on the U.S. making polygamy illegal. Yes, all the terrorists will like us if we had multiple wives. Also, I might not know my Bible from cover to cover but I'm pretty sure it would have been very hard for David to actually be Albanian, especially since, apparently, the Balkans were known as Illyria at the time. Oh, and the Bible mentions the begets several times and he is not Albanian unless that's where the Garden of Eden was.

The contributor said this guy sends things in all the time and this is just the beginning (something we just HAVE to see ... hint, hint).

"[L]ately they've been more frantic, with many pages taped together and stuffed inside a tiny envelope," the contributor said. "Jesus and 9/11, together again."

I don't know about you all but I'd would be making sure there wasn't any power in these and would wash my hand after handling any of his correspondence.

This is just ... Wow. This is probably the first time I have said "This guy needs to be committed" and meant it.

Someone has to be able to top this. Send it to leditoreditor [at] gmail.com. Please. May heathen continually drink upon you if you don't.

letter the thirteenth: election carpet bomb

The body of this leditor is unimportant and is hard to present without the sheer volume of blotted out identifying info making this look like a letter sent to the Europe during World War II (taking out the e-mail addresses was bad enough. As you'll see in  a second, I grew tired doing it one by one). Long story short, it was about an election canidate by a former and totally not disgruntled at all campaign official sent less than three weeks before the election. This person had a hot tip about how godawful the person he initially was a hardcore campaigner for was and wanted a couple people to know.

As you can see from the photo, this e-mail went out to just a few people. From what I could tell from some research, that would be about 30 people at a NBC station, an account at Time Magazine, 36 people at a CBS station, a couple of four people at an ABC station (gee, I wonder which TV station this guy favors?), at least two newspapers and the D. James Kennedy Center for Christian Statesmanship. I don't know why either.

This apparently just one in a series of e-mails the went on to nearly 5:30 a.m. over the course of a weekend and included varying combination of news outlets. The journalist who submitted this said it appears that only two news outlets responded to this stunning revelation, one of which taking a detailed look.

The contributor said his/her outlet passed on this story because 1) it was less than three weeks before the election; 2) it sounded fishy because of where it was from and why; 3) it will probably lead to a "sue-lebration" if any of the story is wrong and the election is obviously affected; and 4) "Really, dude?" the contributor said. "The only person you forgot to send your outrage to was the weekend anchor's parakeet."

Needless to say, the contributor said, the candidate sent out a statement about seeking legal action against the campaign worker and possibly one of the news outlets, which might have had a misstep in this field of bullshit, pending the outcome of the election. That e-mail was carpet-bombed as well but not as extensively.

I think I wouldn't wish this election night or being a part of this glorious e-mail list on my worst enemy.

letter the twelfth: voicemail

If only I had a recording of this. The contributor has transcribed this message he got on his phone at about 7 a.m. He said the crazies usually call the reporters early because they're hoping no one will answer the phone. He said he was at work early once and the person on the line stammered that he didn't expect anyone to be there and quickly ended the call.

Anyway, here's the transcript of the voicemail:
"[GIVES NAME] I was reading your article, [HEADLINE], and I noticed that you wrote '[MAIN PERSON IN THE STORY] said' 11 times. Don't you think that's a little excessive? Maybe you should spice it up a bit. [LEFT PHONE NUMBER]"

I don't know about you all but one the first things I was taught was that anything other than "___ said" is to be used in a magazine piece, feature or nonfiction. It is not our place to say someone stormed out of the room or exclaimed something or commented or any other crazy half-synonym of said. This is a newspaper. We try very hard to just give the facts in light of everyone thinking we have some sort of agenda. Our only agenda is getting this damn story done so we can resume drinking. For those of us who do want to write a career-escaping novel, using said all the time can get repetitive but no newspaper will say anyone remarked, declared, mentioned, revealed, alleged, insinuated, yelled, what have you. As innocuous as that looks, that is editorializing. If that happens, then it is time for the tin-foil hat people to wonder if opinion is being inserted into an article. Also, using said moves the attribution into the background. You don't want people stopping on that. Attribution is important but the information is what's necessary, not that we felt that someone "claimed that mangoes are the greatest fruits ever."

Also, WHO FRICKIN' COUNTS HOW MANY TIMES SAID IS USED IN AN ARTICLE?! Do  you not have anything else to do with your life? Where did this come from? Have you been reading newspapers for 30 years and this was the final straw? Thousands upon thousands of "___ said" day in and day out just finally drove you up the wall? DEAR LORD, WHY WON'T THEY SPICE IT UP A BIT?!!!??//!!1111ONEELEVEN?/ NOT THE VARSITY.