letta da toity toid: Irony, thy name is c-money

I was going to give myself a break from poking fun at people like c-money until the new year but 1) the letters kept coming and 2) apparently, scare tactics will not work. The next few ones mixed in with a treasure trove of leditors I've been given are about this "dam health care" obviously. I don't think c-money has sent one since it passed.

I give this one points for the changing in fonts, colors, sizes and the smaller or non-existent question marks with questions. Oh, and the wanting something everyone agrees on versus unequivocally voting on party lines to prove a point and the wanting citizens to have the chance to read the document and decide on it because that's what a democratic republic is all about.

The moral of this leditor, gentle readers, is that scare tactics do not work.

 IS THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT

THREATENING THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?

Just like he Threatened Senators, do what we

say or your state will lose out? 

Is This what he just said on TV.

 

Are We, The American People Going To Stand For That!

Call or write your Senators

VOTE  "NO"

I just heard the President on TV, stating unless the Health Care Bill Passes, all kinds of bad things with happen to out country, Really!   Scare tactics will not work.  The more you threaten the American People, the more resolved we become. 

America, can you ever remember a President go on TV and Threaten the people that put him, BY MISTAKE, into office?  What kind of man does that? 

Who does this man think he is.  America is  not Iran, Iraq or Kenya.  He must not be allow to threaten the American People this way.  We are not his  SLAVES.  He works for us, and its about time he starts listening to the American People. 

 

Kill this DAM Health Care Bill, America Can Not Afford It, we do not want it.  We want to start over,  put together something ALL of what Americans can agree on.  We want to be able to READ every word, before anything is allowed to be signed.  We do not want this one to pass.  All Senators vote NO, or your Fired, so help us God come election in Nov, and especially in 2012.

letter the thirty-second: Twenty-six! That's 22!

We're going to take a hiatus for Christmas and New Year's after this one since your humble leditor is plans on being far away from his desk for at least eight of the next 12 days (the beauty of not working at a daily)

Luckily, c-money has not been institutionalized (yet) and wrote again to give us our Christmas gift.

SICKENING.........ISN'T IT?

       WHERE AMERICA'S MONEY IS BEING WASTED

 First Lady Now Requires 26 Servants

Reported by Canada Free Press

The Canadian Free Press had to publish this, USA media is too

scared that they might be considered racist or suffer at the hands of Obama.

No, Michele Obama does not get paid to serve as the First Lady and she doesn’t perform any official duties. But this hasn’t deterred her from hiring an unprecedented number of staffers to cater to her every whim and to satisfy her every request in the midst of the Great Recession, DID YOU OK THIS AMERICA?

American's are doing without, saving, doing what we can to just survive, but not the First Lady.  Do you think America she deserves special treatment for doing NOTHING? 

How things have changed! If you’re one of the tens of millions of Americans facing certain destitution, earning less than subsistence wages stocking the shelves at Wal-Mart or serving up McDonald cheeseburgers, prepare to scream and then come to realize that the benefit package for these servants of Miz Michele are the same as members of the national security and defense departments and the bill for these assorted lackeys is paid by John Q. Public, YOU.

1. $172,2000 - Sher, Susan (CHIEF OF STAFF)
2. $140,000 - Frye, Jocelyn C. (DEPUTY ASSISTANT TO THE PRESIDENT AND DIRECTOR OF POLICY AND PROJECTS FOR THE FIRST LADY)
3. $113,000 - Rogers, Desiree G. (SPECIAL ASSISTANT TO THE PRESIDENT AND WHITE HOUSE SOCIAL SECRETARY)
4. $102,000 - Johnston, Camille Y. (SPECIAL ASSISTANT TO THE PRESIDENT AND DIRECTOR OF COMMUNICATIONS FOR THE FIRST LADY)
5. Winter, Melissa E. (SPECIAL ASSISTANT TO THE PRESIDENT AND DEPUTY CHIEF OF STAFF TO THE FIRST LADY)
6. $90,000 - Medina, David S. (DEPUTY CHIEF OF STAFF TO THE FIRST LADY)
7. $84,000 - Lelyveld, Catherine M. (DIRECTOR AND PRESS SECRETARY TO THE FIRST LADY)
8. $75,000 - Starkey, Frances M. (DIRECTOR OF SCHEDULING AND ADVANCE FOR THE FIRST LADY)
9. $70,000 - Sanders, Trooper (DEPUTY DIRECTOR OF POLICY AND PROJECTS FOR THE FIRST LADY)
10. $65,000 - Burnough, Erinn J. (DEPUTY DIRECTOR AND DEPUTY SOCIAL SECRETARY)
11. Reinstein, Joseph B. (DEPUTY DIRECTOR AND DEPUTY SOCIAL SECRETARY)
12. $62,000 - Goodman, Jennifer R. (DEPUTY DIRECTOR OF SCHEDULING AND EVENTS COORDINATOR FOR THE FIRST LADY)
13. $60,000 - Fitts, Alan O. (DEPUTY DIRECTOR OF ADVANCE AND TRIP DIRECTOR FOR THE FIRST LADY)
14. Lewis, Dana M. (SPECIAL ASSISTANT AND PERSONAL AIDE TO THE FIRST LADY)
15. $52,500 - Mustaphi, Semonti M. (ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR AND DEPUTY PRESS SECRETARY TO THE FIRST LADY)
16. $50,000 - Jarvis, Kristen E. (SPECIAL ASSISTANT FOR SCHEDULING AND TRAVELING AIDE TO THE FIRST LADY)
17. $45,000 - Lechtenberg, Tyler A. (ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR OF CORRESPONDENCE FOR THE FIRST LADY)
18. Tubman, Samantha (DEPUTY ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR,SOCIAL OFFICE)
19. $40,000 - Boswell, Joseph J. (EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT TO THE CHIEF OF STAFF TO THE FIRST LADY)
20. $36,000 - Armbruster, Sally M. (STAFF ASSISTANT TO THE SOCIAL SECRETARY)
21. Bookey, Natalie (STAFF ASSISTANT)
22. Jackson, Deilia A. (DEPUTY ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR OF CORRESPONDENCE FOR THE FIRST LADY)

Total roughly, $1,155,800.00 - For a person who has no particular job to do, it's outrageous.  Call your Representatives ask them to put a Bill in that restricts our money being wasted on pampering, when the rest of America is scraping just to get by.  America has no obligation to have to pay to take care of her.   We are asked to cut Connors,  try and do without, asked to pay for something America can't afford.  When is the White House going to tighten there belts, there personal belts, When?  Why are we asked to pay for this?  All there shows there having at the White House is extra, I'm sure.

LET'S PUT A STOP TO WASTEFUL SPENDING, GOOD PLACE TO START!

A quick glance at the Web site for the Canada Free Press shows that it isn't an unbiased news outlet. It's unabashedly conservative.  That's all fine and dandy but I don't like "news outlets" that cover things such as international news with such a narrow view. It at least says that it has a slant. I can go on about the whys and wherefores about blatantly biased sites but I'm trying not to rant today.

The Office of the First Lady has its roots in the 1800s and you can check that out at the White House Museum and several historical accounts for proof. Before people start foaming at the mouth about how this is still a waste of money or just a drop in the bucket, let's say 100 million people in the country actively pay taxes. That's about one cent a year from all of them to pay for this office. HOLY SHIT, THEY ARE WASTING MY PENNY.

Third, can someone please teach c-money English? And maybe math?

"They sent it to us on wallpaper."

For some reason, my first thought was that the copy editor meant it was a screen capture from someone's desktop. Oh no. No.

This is taped to a strip of paste-in-your-grandma's-dining-room wallpaper. To quote c-money, WHY?
Is it supposed to make it look pretty?  Do they realized we aren't going to scan it in, especially after they scratched out shit in the write up? What the hell? Really.

"Place it on its side and it's a symbol meaning Infinity"

I was excited when I got a envelope that said in all caps "U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES ... OFFICIAL BUSINESS." I wondered what it could possibly be and figured whatever it was it had to be incredibly awesome because it wasn't from a representative from our coverage area. I wondered if I were going to D.C. to cover something or got invited to something or if all of those rumors that journalists get paid off by every Tom, Dick and Harry were actually true and I was about to become someone's pundit.

The answer? None of the above. Or Simon and Garfunkel.

Let's take a gander at this. I didn't mean to blot out his name for this technical celebritor. If you're that concerned about who it is, I'll make you work for it. The packet was effectively a press release and a glossy brochure on the representative's commission. We're quite far from not only that district and D.C. and we're a hyperlocal so it doesn't pertain to us directly. I mean, we could localize it but it would be awesome if someone from our coverage area was involved.

Then there's the Simon and Garfunkel quote. I like Simon and Garfunkel. I wasn't expecting to see Simon and Garfunkel so something with a shiny U.S. seal and a watermarked cursive "Liberty" on the paper and the words "HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES" to have a quote from a Simon and Garfunkel song.

Then there's the signature. As you can see, the good representative's initials are F.R.W.  I can't think of an instance where any of those letters would resemble an 8.  When I showed this to someone to point out the out-of-the-blue Simon and Garfunkel quote, the first question was "Why is there a giant blue 8 on the letter?"

Oh, and he spelled my name wrong. There are several variations of spelling for my name (it's a common name ... sorta) and it always comes out wrong. I, of course, feel my version is correct but more famous people have the version I get.

It's wrong on my business cards. One of our page designers spelled it wrong on a page I didn't proof after my name was stuck on it. I've sent one of my friends several e-mails with my signature attached in large c-money-style letters and, in the reply, he spells my name wrong. I had hoped a member of Congress who wouldn't know me from Adam but found it fit to send me and probably every newspaper in the state his pitch to curb federal spending to have the resources to spell my fucking name correctly.

If you're wondering about the subject title and the quote next to the 8, look here.

Thursday Deaths, vol. 7

Let us pay our respects to the following. May they rest in peace.

• GPS tracking with Google Earth;
• Your order; and, saddest of all,
• Solving ALL love making problems in a matter of few minutes.

From what I've heard, a slight mapping mistake led GPS tracking, who was hiking with Your order, directly into the gaping mouth of a volcano. As you may recall, we lost Solution for your sexual life in August. 'Tis a pity. Who can we turn to now? What could have been the solution to our sexual lives? What could have solved not some but ALL love making problems in a matter of few minutes? Now we'll never know! The horror!

Short & Sweet

Someone liked my recent theme of adding comments directly to the leditor. I approve.

Hed: A great budget gift for those on a budget
Suggested hed: A great sucky headline for those who suck

letter the thirty-first: just remember, to remember

C-money is so angry, he/she forgot how to spell again. The letters have seemingly stopped so I'm assuming someone took the computer away or someone came to take c-money away.

Today, c-money feels that the government is further taking us to hell in a hand basket and will do so under the guise of military spending. The spending is criminal and it punishes those who are "fightening" for us.

I interviewed someone today. She was emotional and admitted that she couldn't get everything out the way she wanted. But you know what? She had official documentation of what she was talking about. Ever since I began paying some attention to politics in high school, I've seen nothing but an endless chain of people foaming at the mouth about vague things the government is doing to ruin the country. None of them mention how in the blue hell they came to that conclusion about what is going on in Congress. I hate that having a paper trail to draw a conclusion is no longer the norm. Who needs to cover there ass if their caught in a lie. Apparently Congress does.

TRYING TO COVER THERE ASS

 

RAISE THE US DEBT TO OVER ANOTHER TRILLION

and BECAUSE OF PELOSI, THERE ATTACHING IT TO,

SUPPORT OUR SOLDIERS. 

 

AMERICA IS SUPPOSE TO TRUST THEM WITH OUR HEALTH CARE

I DON'T THINK SO!  THEY'VE SHOWN JUST HOW

MUCH  WE SHOULD TRUST THEM.

Just how rotten can Pelosi and this Administration get?  Pelosi could care less about our Soldiers or the American People.  Why do the American People and our Children have to pay, because they wouldn't listen to the American People.  Let them pay it with a couple of years of there full Salaries, including the Presidents.  Why not, why do the American People have to pay for what an incompetent administration did?  When do we say enough, your fired.  If this administration passes this, they should all go to JAIL.  Especially Pelosi.  You don't go out of the way to punish our Soldiers.  But of course that is why she did it, because she understands that we protect our men and women fightening to protect America. 

As much as I hate to say this, write your Senators, tell them to vote NO.  WE HAVE TO STOP THIS DESTRUCTION OF OUR COUNTRY.  As much as we don't want to, we have to.  Write your Senators TODAY.  We must get this message across ASAP.  Just remember, to remember this come November.

spam we can believe in

I know this isn't a leditor per se but it routed the spam filter and got to the inbox. I HAD to open it. It's from the Barack H. Obama Foundation. How could I not? Especially since it came twice.

I'm so glad the president decided to give me a bit of economic stimulus (gee ... that sounds dirty) and set up some money in an alleged bank in the United Kingdom with a domain of 8.am when it's clearly 7:18.am. And what's up with the Spanish at the bottom? It is too early in the morning for me to try to translate that. It probably says, "I can't believe you American idiot will give us this information. We're going to rob you blind and I bet you'll blame the president!"
That's all I got for now. I'm far too busy to poke more fun at this. Feel free to poke fun yourself.
Not slightly racist at all,

Abon'go Leditor Editor

letter the thirtieth: when does it matter?

I don't think I've ever spelled out 30th before. It looks funny.

You know what else looks funny? When question marks are larger than capital letters.

 Change In America 

   THE  FUNDAMENTAL TRANSFORMATION OF  AMERICA

WHEN DOES IT MATTER? 

This is a mistake we put this person in the White House

He is killing our country, trying to take our Freedom, Put Seniors in Danger, Trying to Take Our Guns, Trying

to re-write our Constitution, Trying to force changes

down our throats, that Americans are saying NO to.

THIS MAN MUST BE A ONE TERM President

Our biggest enemy is not  China, Russia, Iran; no, our  biggest enemy
is a contingent of politicians in Washington DC.  

 

They must be FIRED come Election 2010

America Deserves Better!

America Can Recover, but

only if we get rid of the trash.

Plan to make this coming Election the biggest this country as ever seen. We

must clean house.  BEWARE, they may make things look better, just to

get re-elected, don't fall for that.  Be smart this time.

 

NEVER FORGET WHAT THIS ADMINISTRATION 

 HAVE DONE TO THIS COUNTRY

 

This Administration is DANGEROUS for Americans

Again, c-money gets SO close to sounding like a normal opinionated human being with something that could conceivably go into an editorial page but falls flat.

I never really liked opinion pieces. I'm a fan of citing sources and those sources being credible. When I first read something about the Patriot Act, I thought it was a joke because 1) it sounded like something that wouldn't fly in a million years, especially if the public heard about it and 2) I couldn't find more information beyond the OMG MORE GOVERNMENT INTURSIONZ!1 page I found.

In this day and age of countless plans and documents being released that people don't want released, show me something. Also, do so in a fucking correct sentence. I know some people say you should look at the message and not the grammar but, when I have to take an extra 30 seconds to figure out what the hell the message is supposed to be, you lost me. You especially lose me when you press every Rich Text button you have because IT SHOWS THE GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION!

I'm going to start writing articles like that. CITY COUNCIL APPROVED FUNDING  for a new high school.
I hope to God some people don't learn more about HTML or CSS or we'll start seeing e-mails flashing like Times Square on crack.

Thursday Deaths, vol. 6

The obits e-mail account was full of shocking news today.
Let us pause and give our condolences to:
• CNN Alerts: My custom alert;
• Second Month;
• 1301-364;
• Solution for your sexual life; and
• Big pecker equal more action

Not only did we lose the entire month of February overnight, the number 937 is no longer with us. I'm so incredibly sorry that the solution for your sexual life is gone and you have no idea how near and dear CNN Alerts: My custom alert was to my heart.

May they rest in peace.

letter the twenty-ninth: YOU Must Bombard Writing

Congratulations, c-money: you get your very own tag!

Also, I knew your impeccable spelling couldn't last for long. Why ever did I doubt you?

 SENIORS, NOW IS THE TIME TO PUSH "VOTE NO"

CUTES IN MEDICARE - $400 Billion - RATIONING

GOVERNMENT RUN HEALTH CARE

All will take place unless we stand up

YOU Must Bombard Writing Your Senators,

Newspapers, even The President

 

ALL IS ON THE LINE NOW

CALL YOUR REPRESENTATIVES, CALL YOUR STATE LEGISLATORS

Remind Them a yes vote, is committing Political Subside, Come Next Election.

This will pass, its up to us to make the people we put into office, to

make them HEAR US, and Know WE WILL NOT FORGET COME NEXT ELECTION.

 

 

You're absolutely right: the last thing we need are cutes in Medicare. All that will lead to is an increase in Viagra sales. I'm also glad that you're encouraging all to bombard writing me as well. It's working so well with you. I need these leditors to keep me alive. If they stop coming, I may commit subside.

don't let the door hit you ...

Some newspaper staffers at the "Harvard Crimson" had a bit of the ol' sour grapes as they were leaving their positions. This is amazing. My only comment is burn. Very burn. Read it here.

letter the twenty-eighth: NOT SPAM

Oh, c-money, you endless source of entertainment, you.

The e-mails come prefaced with "NOT SPAM" in the subject line now. I think the amount of people this goes to has expanded. I'll take another count tomorrow because there's yet another one.

Current proposed Health Care Bill, will cost closer to

 $2.5 Trillion, instead of the $849 Billion 

 America, WERE IS THE MONEY COMING FROM?

Higher Taxes?

Medicare Cuts?

Rationing ?

Government Run Plan?

Your Children Pay It? 

PRINT MORE MONEY?

Borrow From Another Country?

Taxing Employers?

Another Stimulus Package?

ALL OF THE ABOVE!

I Know, VOTE the DEMOCRATS OUT OF OFFICE

Bring Back American Values

Use Common Sense

Save Our FREEDOM

JOB GROWTH

NO GOVERNMENT HEALTH CARE PACKAGE

STOP SPENDING, now there's a different idea. 

I admire you use of boldface and varying font sizes, especially how the word "FROM" gradually becomes bold and then GIANT QUESTION MARK. But you make me sad, c-money. You're getting gradually closer and closer to writing like a rational human being. I mean, if you an start using sentences, back off the caps lock and not be in New Hampshire, you could be onto getting onto an opinion page. Until then, Weird candy cane header? Rethorical questions? CAPITAL LETTERS? BOLDFACE? LARGE FONTS? GET DRIVE-THROUGH BELGIAN WAFFLES?! YES!

more from c-mizzle

I think c-money is going to be our new friend. They get less crazy and better spelled as they go along but just barely. This was still an epic carpet bomb and I like the real name and the directions in the signature.

NOTIFICATION OF A SCAM BEING PLAYED

ON THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

 MYSTERY  SHOPPERS WANTED

Be Wise Before You Act, Think Twice, Then Think Again

They ask you for your Name, Address, City, State and Zip, after a few e-mail they will send you three or four MoneyGram(Money Orders).

They look real.  What they want you to do is to deposit them into your own Bank and take out your pay, which they say is $300 dollars, and use #200.00 more to shop with.  Send them information for your stores you shopped at.  Then send the balance to them in a US MoneyGram/Money Order.

DO NOT SEND YOUR OWN MONEY

Report it to the FBI

e-mail - Boston@IC.FBI.Gov  or go to: http://boston.fbi.gov/

The MoneyGram/Money Orders will be made out in your name - DO NOT TRY TO DEPOSIT THEM INTO YOUR BANK, THEY ARE  FRAUD.

Some people have deposited them into there Banks, took there own money out and sent them what was the balance of what they requested of you.  When your bank could not cash them, these crooks already had your money, so guess who is left out in the cold, YOU!

_________________

[NAME]

New Hampshire

 [email]
 [phone number]

You have my permission to print this notice, except my e-mail or phone, thank you

This is important, people all across the country have lost money to there crooks, please Print Head up warning

Remember checks for #money are fraud.

Thursday Deaths, vol. 5

The spammers got a little creative this week. If poetry is dead, they killed it.
"What do you do with a B.A. in English?" Well, poetry majors can no longer aspire to work for Burma Shave so I guess penis enlargement ads are the next best thing. The following are the first lines of two consecutive e-mails that came in the spam folder.

"Your member will rich with every inch/Your male tool will shine like a jewel"
"Swim in deeper ocean with your new proportion"

Instead of deleting them, I almost want to send a reply along the line of that being a valiant effort but I must give them a C. Now, if they send me spam in a spondee or an iamb instead of childish trochees, I might just be inclined to buy their snake oil.

letter the twenty-sixth: a very important message

c-money is in da hizzle, yo!

The e-mail went to a whopping 54 e-mail addresses. Fifty-four. If you didn't get a copy, you should be jealous.

URGENT!  AMERICAN GUN OWNERS BEING SOLD OUT

This is Real and a Real Threat!

America Gun Owners had better wake up now, and stop the selling out of American's ,that is going on in Washington.  Democracy is out the door.  We ARE  BEING SOLD DOWN  THE  RIVER  FASTER THAN  WE  CAN  BLINK. 

U.S. Reverses Stance on Treaty to Regulate Arms Trade.  

Go to:   http://www.24hourcampfire.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/topics/3462074/Obama_Finds_Legal_Way_Around_T

*Obama Takes First Step in Banning All Firearms.*

On Wednesday the Obama administration took its first major step in a plan to ban all firearms in the United States .  The Obama administration intends to force gun control and a complete ban on all weapons for US citizens through the signing of international treaties with foreign nations.

Once the US Government signs these international treaties, all US  citizens will be subject to those gun laws created by foreign governments.  The Obama administration is attempting to use tactics and methods of gun control that will inflict major damage to our 2nd Amendment before US citizens even understand what has happened.

Contact your NRA Representative,  find out what Gun Owners can do to stop this.

Pass this to EVERYONE YOU KNOW, we must get the word out.  Contact all Gun Shops, Fish and Game Clubs, anywhere there are Gun Owners. 

If you have noticed, I've been copying and pasting these gems lately. It's been painful to not only read some of these but also type them. They make my fingers cry.

This time around C-to-da-Monay did a better job at spelling and grammar.  I guess it is necessary as this is an important message about the erosion of rights that has what looks like a link to a message board as its source.  I'm not clicking on it. If anyone's brave enough to see where the English language goes to die in the land of tin foil hats, report back here.

I think the bottom is the best part:

This is very important to Gun Owners in your state, please print this article ASAP Front Page if Possible

Who in the Devil is going to run THAT on the front page? BREAKING NEWS: Someone on that there messagin' board said the country's been sold down the river this morning. We have no proof beyond the message board. THE GOVERNMENT IS DAMAGING THE CONSTITUTION BECAUSE THE MESSAGE BOARD SAID SO. IF THEY DO THIS WE WILL NEVER HEAR ABOUT [SHOT] JV FOOTBALL AGAIN. THE INTERNETS TOLD ME. IT MUST BE TRUE.

Yes, our and pretty much every other government has done something shady in the background and had silently taken something away. But the source of this information is a message board somewhere? With absolutely no proof whatsoever beyond that. And you want this on the FRONT PAGE ASAP?

I'm going to start my own Internet panic rumor. Congress passed legislation that says the Pledge of Allegiance will be changed to include pecans as those will replace the stars on the flag after we merge with the European Union in 2011. The EU uses pecans to display its dominance over the US. THEY WILL TAKE AWAY OUR RIGHTS AND MAKE US EAT PECAN PIE AS A SIGN OF SUBMISSION. WE MUST GET THE WORD OUT. BOYCOTT PECANS BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. AMERICA IS THE LAND OF THE FREE, NOT THE LAND OF PECANS. NOT THE VARSITY.

letter the twenty-fifth: wait ... drive-through waffles?! SWEET.

There was a restaurant listing without a full address and I'll be the farm on the restaurant being well-known in the area to the point that you're an idiot if you don't know where it is.

"As for the charges of racism ... ???" the contributor said.

Where on Grand River? What city,  I can see why you can only write for the [NEWSPAPER]. This is a waste of my time with your shoddy reporting, does this restaurant even exist, you are a racist pig for this irresponsible stereotyping.

[THE] Cafe It's a drive-thru on Grand River that has a more massive menu than most restaurants! Get drive-thru Belgian waffles!

How dare you offend the Belgians but now sharing where to get their waffles!  I bet you tell everyone where to get French toast. Why do you hate Belgium and the [SHOT!] JV football team so much?

You know, if this guy knows where it is on Grand River and what's on the menu and is lazy enough to get waffles from a fucking drive through, yes reading the listing WAS  a waste of his time. The restaurant probably doesn't exist anymore because you were so busy drooling with your finger up your nose to go through the drive through correctly and smashed into a wall. AND i REFUSE TO SPELL THROUGH WiTH JUST THE U.

letter the twenty-fourth: envelope to the editor

Somewhere in the course of devouring four plates of food Thursday, I apparently ate today's leditor. Luckily, we got another one from the guy who set the nut job meter off the charts.


"Remember I sent you that crazy letter from the guy who was not just content to fill pages with handwritten screed, but actually started taping different letters together?" the contributor said. "Now he just sent an envelope with the writing on the outside. On the inside? Empty! I fear he's at the end of his tether."

Read it and weep. Literally. The capitalization is my estimate of where a sentence would start if there were punctuation. Or lowercase letters (with the exception of the first letter of the city). At least he doesn't dot his capital I.

The dude is definitely hell-bent on having more than one wife. I bet he thinks it's just like having two women in a porno.

United States is now communist Coperate giants give jobs to save labor Cuba has free health care no greedy doctors no insurance needed Give Castro Nobel Peace Prize, its good acorns in White House Laws are now liberal Give men right to choose to have more than one wife – Mormons 2008

letter the twenty-third: from new hampshire with love

So I was recovering from my food coma and work began to call me because I'm a journalist and we never truly have a day off. I decided to check our slush e-mail account to see what sick, depraved individuals were attempting to contact the newspaper on Thanksgiving.

Apparently c-money had time to spare between the turkey and the pumpkin pie and sent not one but two e-mails since midnight. This one is my favorite.

I noticed from the area code of the phone number at the bottom of the leditor that the person is either from or in New Hampshire.  New Hampshire is about nine hours away.

Other than sending these on Thanksgiving morn and them being carpet bomb letters from one of those states those horrible in geography always forget about, there isn't nothing much wrong with this leditor. I'm not jumping into the rights and wrongs of that situation (nor do I want you to in the comments section). It's just the spellign mistakes. Their so atrocious they msut be on perposs.

And what's with the peppermint design up top? I mean, I know it's the holiday season and all but geez.  I honestly couldn't figure out what the first two sentences (headline?) were trying to say on the first go.  The same can be said for the second sentence after the first properly punctuated sentence (I'm using "properly" loosely here).

I know some people have learning disabilities that cause some of the mistakes like these but damn. This looks more like a grave miscarriage of the education system than a problem beyond this person's control.  Another miscarriage was allowing someone named c-money Internet access and the contact info for seemingly every newspaper east of the Mississippi

The request for people to e-mail and/or call the White House makes me wish someone would send down some commanditors. Now those have to be entertaining.

I now return you to your regularly-scheduled overeating. As you watch the football games this weekend, remember all of the hardwork of NOT THE VARSiTY.

If you're in New Hampshire, tell c-money that leditor-slice said what up fo' shizzle.

turkey day

Heading to my parent's where there is spotty (if any) interwebs. The next installment will be Monday. Have a great holiday away from crazy readers ... with your crazy family. And keep the leditors coming if you get the chance!

letter the twenty-second: for the love, someone take this dog

Apparently, the editor who received the pet ad decided to engage both of the spammers/scammers and is waiting for their replies.

"Ah, and so the scam comes to light," the contributor said. Shall I have fun with 'Ben Jones?' I think so."

I hope so.

Let's see. The editor points out that it's the wrong department and gives the e-mail address for classifieds. Additionally, since it makes sense that "Ben Jones" would be local, suggests giving them a call. The editor also points out that it's a twice weekly (as you may recall, Benny-Boy wanted this to run for seven days in all of the pappers).

Two days later, most likely to make sure that enough vodka is ingested to lose all knowledge of the English language, Benjamin half apologizes for bothering the editor with his bullshit scam ad but, by the way, can you tell me when the ad will starting running and ending? I'm so eager to use this credit card number I stole acquired as soon as possible and be long gone with someone's money without having to give away my dear precious yorkis because I'll be able to rent a place that doesn't have a pet policy.

Come one, we write porrrly-spelled bullshit for a living. What's making you thinking we wouldn't see this as a fake, Ben?

oh, yesterday was THURSday

Per the spam in the obituary folder, let us pause and give our condolences to:
• eiarerre;
• FW: New mba for you;
• Big tool at work;
• +Acro bat 8 Pro+;
• swampland tends;
• Ask and you shall be given; and
• Operation sex siege

All flags will be raised at half mast for Big tool at work. I will always miss +Acro bat 8 Pro+ and I don't know what I'll do without swampland tends. It just seems like Operation sex siege ended prematurely.

May they rest in peace.

letter the twenty-first: pardon me, but you're wrong

I admit that I am no fan of stupidity. In fact, I try my best to point it out and often rant about it on this here series of tubes. I also, probably stupidly, don't really pay attention to my own editorial page. I know, what sort of editor doesn't look at/do the editorial page? This one.

Every now and then, I do look at something before it runs and approve of it running. We got this.

An immigrant (we established who it was and let it go anonymously per the request) wondered why immigrants are treated poorly and sometimes deported if he or she commits a crime and tried to justify some being illegal because of the hassle of the Department of Homeland Security and so on and so forth. The writer seemed a bit misinformed but I figured the letter would at least spark some sort of conversation and let it go.

Then this ran without me seeing it. I probably would have let it go but ... ouch. That could have been phrase a little nicer.

If you can't read it consider it tl;dr, let me sum it up. We don't like ILLEGAL immigrants, moron. We deport those. As a citizen, you now have your right to voice your opinion but I also have the right to tell you to shut your whore mouth when I disagree with you and you're wrong. Welcome to America. ... Bitch.

letter the twentieth: WHO WANTS THIS DOG?

The dog is a lie.

The contributor got a third similar e-mail about dogs going to a good home and decided to reply for the benefit of the doubt.

"I guess this scam works by them using someone's identity to buy an ad and then  they somehow get people to give them info in exchange for a non-existent dog," the contributor said.

I think the editor must have been bored. Then again, this sounds so exciting. Jamie is selling/giving away pets!  She or he is willing to pay for it! I can't believe Jamie wants to give your (or anyone's for that matter) newspaper money. No one likes to give newspapers money (especially corporate).  Wait, let me rephrase that. Jamie wants to give YOUR MEDIA money. Please, please tell her how to proceed.

The editor was nice enough to inform Jamie of the nature of their circulation and that she should contact classifieds. The the same dog an pony show appears minus the pony. And the shorts.

I'm glad to see Jamie is an individual. We don't accept ads from the Borg although we've been told resistance is futile. I had no idea how popular Yorkie puppies are and that everyone gets them in twos. Some guy has been trying to get rid of two for quite a bit now. You may have seen him at the last Yorki/Yorkie puppy meet and greet; he was the guy who made sure his puppies had all of their official pappers.

Also, way to change e-mail addresses during this exchange and offer to send over credit card info. This all sounds legit. Totally legit. An individual and for all we know the Borg has four puppies they're dying to get rid of because you always fail to ask if a place is pet friendly AFTER you get two puppies.

I hope this exchange continues.

letter the nineteenth: ad pet

"I'm guessing the ad department figured this was sketch or spam," today's contributor said. "He either writes spam for a living and forgot how to write like a normal human being or it is spam."

Fourteen days after wanting this in all of the "pappers," the person/spammer tries again. Apparently the only thing different is that the "ad advert" has become "ad pet."

"It's not even a forward," our contributor said. "It's a fresh e-mail. The only thing different is the new subject line and the line breaks. If you need to get rid of the dog so badly and we haven't responded to an e-mail yet, there is a thing called a telephone. Oh wait. Spambots don't have telephones."

Spambots do have "pappers" though. And yorkis with current shorts.

If this contributor keeps getting this e-mail, I may need to create a new drinking game.

yeah. we have room for that.

One of my pet peeves is when people want to put an "ad" in the paper. Some of the time, they have something newsworthy and there is an awkward moment where a church group or the retired principal who just voted the greatest educator in the history of the world grabs a checkbook and asks how much we're charging.  Then they seem surprised/embarrassed/offended when don't have to pay. I'm assuming it's how the general populace think we work because the vast media conspiracy gets paid to run articles. Our payoffs are so great, it's surprising that newspaper parking lots are often mistaken for "buy here pay here" used car lots.

Then there are the people who say they want to place and "ad" and, after talking to them for 10 seconds, you realize they actually want to place an ad and aren't pitching a story/press release on the community page. Then get angry when you try to get them to pay for it.

Our contributing editor answered a phone call about a pageant.

"It sounded like it was over and one with and we'd get a press release and a photo of the winner and runners up," the editor said. "They also mentioned something about the money collected going to charity."

The editor announced that the release was coming down the pike and there was a groan and a mention that the "release" went to File 13 the year before. Before a question could be asked about that, a Death-Star-sized e-mail apparently appeared in the inbox.

"The event hadn't happened yet," the editor said. "The 'release' when into detail about pricing for the event and included photos of all of the contestants. All of them. Well over 25.

The woman called a few seconds later. She asked if the e-mail arrived, the contributor said. She wanted confirmation that all of the photos were running.

"I panicked for a second," The editor said. "Think of the size of a newspaper and the size of a standard mugshot. Along with the press release, that was half a page easily. I told her no and there was a pause before she exploded. 'It's all or nothing!' was one of the things she ranted before I just told her we'd see what we can do."

So far, they have just ran a modified release. No word yet if she went ballistic. that might explain why I haven't heard back yet.

I just find this ridiculous. Even if this were a non profit event, no one has room for that unless they're well on the road of going out of print. An all or nothing? Wow, your 50 cents a day (if you read the paper) gives you the authority to give an ultimatum.  My other question is why. Why is it necessary to run photos of pageant contestants BEFORE the pageant? Is the audience voting. Are you trying to entice an audience beforehand? I don't see how this benefits ... oh, wait ... I do. And that's a bit creepy.

closed due to flooding

Sorry about there not being a Friday leditor. We kinda had a large coastal storm and the latest submission is now on my desk. About 25 miles away.

Additionally, unless I get some more submissions soon, we'll just about wind down with that one. Send stories of ludicrous voicemail, crazy letters to the editor or the aftermath of talking to the wrong person for an article to leditoreditor [at] gmail.com

Thursday Deaths, vol. 3

We are sorry to say that more spam e-mails have died.
Let us pause and give our condolences to:
• 70% discount. Coupon #JrP3;
• 80% discount. Code #UMuj;
• Grow a longer tool;
• Rumbles; and
• Significant penis thickening with strong orgasm

Isn't it so tragic? 70 AND 80 percent discount in one literally fatal swoop?
And whatever shall we do without Rumbles?
Alas, poor Significant penis thickening with strong orgasm! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at it.

May they rest in peace.

letter the eighteenth: hell again

When we last left off Ms. NOT THE VARSITY, was asked when she got her paper because, although [SHOT!] JV football wasn't covered extensively, it was in the paper. She apparently isn't satisfied with the coverage they gave [SHOT!] JV football or she does not read this newspaper at all because the reply to her e-mails makes it seem that the [SHOT!] JV football is definitely getting some sort of coverage and I'm assuming it's on Fridays in this twice-weekly newspaper the games are midweek.  We'll probably find out how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop before we know why she doesn't get the logic behind an event on Wednesday being in a Friday paper and not the following Tuesday if it's a twice-weekly paper.

I really, really hope she has a kid on the team or I think this sports editor needs to alert child protective services. And/or just give her the gift of spell check this Christmas.

[A TUESDAY] Hell Again,
Wanted to send you a quick e-mail on today's [NEWSPAPER]. I picked up today's paper and still NO article on the [SHOT!] JV football. I see a huge article on the [VARSITY! SOCIAL!] football game and everyother team in [REGION]. Even a article on the cheerleading competition that was last week. I was hoping to see an article on our [SHOT!] JV football but NOTHING!. We are playing tomorrow night against [TEAM] in [MUNICIPALITY] so I will buy another paper come Friday to see just maybe if they will be mentioned. All of their Parents, Fans & Supports will be looking as well.
Regards,
HUGE [SHOT!] JV FOOTBALL TEAM FAN!!!!!!!



Seven exclamation marks. She means more business than the guy who didn't like the HorseShit New.

letter the seventeenth: anything for love but not the varsity

When we last met NOT THE VARSITY, the e-mail had a reply along the ranges of "Do you read the friggin' newspaper?!" because, this paper apparently does cover the [SHOT!] JV football games but not extensively because ... well ... it's [SHOT!] JV football.  I'm not a sports editor and I know that no one really covers [SHOT!] JV football. I don't know where anyone would fit it in a sports section with high school, college and professional sports. I can't even think of a newspaper that covers [SHOT!] JV football at any length at all except for maybe in some agate at the bottom of a page. Additionally, that would lead to a slippery slope of having to cover every single rec league and vacant lot baseball game until the sports writers go on a rampage with a cricket bat.

Then again, covering all of the sports under the sun would probably sell more papers. ...

Anyway, here is the response to the e-mail that stated that [SHOT!] JV football is covered in some for and fashion and she would know that if she read or subscribed to the newspaper.

[NAME],
Evidently I did miss that last Friday, I will have to look again at the newspaper. I don't get a subscription, I buy my newspaper at the store. Why are you so curious of when I buy my newspaper, what does that matter? Where & when I receive my paper has nothing to do with the [SHOT!] JV football team. I'm just trying to get our [SHOT!] JV football some recognition as they have a pretty good year. Our boys have worked really hard and they deserve some recognition [RECOGNITION IS FINALLY SPELLED RIGHT! SOCIAL!]. I see plastered all over the paper about [NOT JUST THE VARSITY BUT OTHER VARSITY TEAMS! CHUG!] I never see anything about the [SHOT!] JV football team. I have had several fans & parents at our games wondering why our boys haven't had an article written about them.
I really appreciate you responding to all my e-mails. I will be looking forward to reading the article in Tuesday's paper.



I will be looking forward to this saga continuing. As well as some more leditors.

letter the sixteenth: too much leditor for one room

Sorry for the lateness. I had to do things like edit my newspaper. As I mentioned before, the [SHOT!] JV Football team's biggest fan sent more leditors. Lots more.

Yes, that is a rubber snake on my desk. Don't ask. Here is the next one in the now five-page drinking game series.

Hello it's me again,
Well [SHOT!] JV football team pulled off another win last night against [TEAM]. It would be really nice to see an article in the good ole [NEWSPAPER] about our [SHOT!] JV football team. It woudl be great have the players feel llike our community appreciates their hard work to be 6-3. They may not have the perfect season this year but they have done a lot better than the [OMG THE VARSITY! SOCIAL!] team has done. The [NEWSPAPER] can write articles about everyother team in the [REGION] but our [SHOT!] JV FOOTBALL team.



There was a reply attached to this one.

[NAME],
Did you miss the pictures and score of the JV team last Friday? I am told we have some poor pictures of the [OTHER TEAM] game but no room for tomorrow but something will be in Tuesday. When do you get your subscription delivered? Just curious.



Five bucks says this person never gets the paper. Her response comes tomorrow.

[SHOT!]

Saturday bonus: The leditor strikes back

In Toronto, an editor got a memo from the publisher saying that editing would be outsourced. In return, the editor edited the memo.

There will have to be some changes as our industry redefines itself but having people with some institutional memory is important. In general editors stick around longer than reporters so they know enough of the history of something so the paper doesn't make a very, very stupid error.

The marked up memo is here. (Anyone know how to make blogger open links in a new tab?) All else I'll say is this: if you're going to be the publisher of a newspaper and send something out to, say your employees (especially if it's bad news), at least do it in AP style.  Then again, I only know of one publisher off the top of my head who has ever written a single newspaper article.

letter the fifteenth: question answered

I've always wondered why some spam e-mails were so poorly written.  I mean, you would think they would snare in more people if PayPal wasn't spelled pay pall or the syntax makes no sense whatsoever (e.g. An inn when he suddenly noticed).

I've discovered why they do that: only three people have a grasp of the English language. Take this request for a small classified ad for example.

Hello,
I am writing to place an ad for pet and i want it online and in newspaper. I can make prepayment with a credit card. Please email me back and let me know what you need for my ad.
HERE IS MY AD COPY : 2 AKC registered puppies free to good home, . They have current shorts and play along with children and other animals. contact ([E-MAIL ADDRESS]) for more information.
Above is my ad copy and i will like the ad to run for just 7 days in all your pappers and online.
The reason why i want to give the dogs away is because, i'm relocating to a new apartment and my new landlord does not accept animal so i have to find a good home for them.
I await your e-mail.
Thank you



The person who forwarded this said the e-mail went straight to the spam folder that he just happened to be checking. He figured it was a scam anyway, since most free puppy ads wind up meaning "I don't know how to take care of animals but I don't want the horrible death of this one to be on my hands. Take this free $50,000 vet bill!"

Since the e-mail address isn't obviously one for a newspaper (the contributor's pseudo-private e-mail address that is only posted in the physical paper) and the sender mentioned that it was a newspaper, the contributor is going with there is a real-live person behind this. I'm going with that too. So I can make fun of the e-mail.

It starts out fine: you want an ad and you're willing to pay for it. You just bought me one more day before the layoffs. I really hope you don't want to do this completely by e-mail but, if so, it's your credit card number you're willing to e-mail it to us, it's your identity.

We're glad you want out feedback for your ad. We're also glad your puppies have current shorts. The last thing anyone needs are puppies in things that were so two years ago.

We also value your explanation on why you want to give the dogs away. We really care. Really. We always ask why people sell things on the classified page. If we think you're a prick trying to pawn off two terrors to someone, the ad is off.  But you need a good home for the puppies. We'll be delighted to put them in our pappers. We'll even put them in the papers as well but it'll cost you more.

Thursday Deaths, vol. 2

The following have kicked the bucket, per our obituary e-mail inbox:
• Try this, you won't regret it
• How would you like to have your ad on 2 million websites?
• liittske
• beebo
• Turn yours into a big rod

I'm going to miss liittske and beebo. They died before their time. And I can remember all the jokes How would you like to have your ad on 2 million websites? would tell at every party. He was always a source of fun.

May they rest in peace.

letter the fourteenth: loss for words

I've been waiting for post this one. Partially because I was trying to figure out what in the blue hell it said. Partially because I was waiting for more leditors from somewhere so this would be the first big dip in our roller coaster ride of crazy. I guess, at this point, since all I have left or the spam "obits," this instead will be going out with a bang. That is, until you all start submitting stuff on a more frequent basis. This trickle is killing me!

Obadiah in Bible said even as your have drunk drinking upon Gods Holy Utah Mountains do [WHAT?] wrong to Lords Ambassador Albanian Mormon Prince david His family so shall all the heathen continually drink upon you.

[WHAT?] causing attacks on your am ambassadors the embassies other targets in outside United States. Riots by blacks Negroes startinged April 1964 - crime on your Mexican border - raids into United States - rapes houses taken people kidnapped - pay ransoms -

On 9-11-00 in detroit - Michigan a metro Christian [NAME] in answer to davids letter said on TV-26 if Mormons make polygamy legal he [COMPLETE MESS OF TEXT] get guns go to Salt Lake City to stop Mormons comit murder his holy war-

On 9-11-01 Jesus Christ had Saidi Arabian Prince Osama Bin Laden A polygamist attack twin towers World Trade Center in New York the Pentagon - the White House

On 9-11-09 and Attack is planed to murder. As many U.S. citizen as possible 9-11-09 You should Make polygamy legal.

Ambassadors for Christ Pastor [ADDRESS].

Another attack by man from Jordan was planned ot take place October 2009.Terrorist. U.S. Bastards - Plummer holy war - Your doing wrong to Jesus son david.



I'm so confused. I'm so, so confused.  What the hell is this?  It's like someonedrank to the point that he thought he was a Mormon prophet. But Mormons don't even drink coffee. I think this guy is blaming 9/11, Detroit's race riots in the '60s, illegal immigration and Apple Jacks not tasting like apples on the U.S. making polygamy illegal. Yes, all the terrorists will like us if we had multiple wives. Also, I might not know my Bible from cover to cover but I'm pretty sure it would have been very hard for David to actually be Albanian, especially since, apparently, the Balkans were known as Illyria at the time. Oh, and the Bible mentions the begets several times and he is not Albanian unless that's where the Garden of Eden was.

The contributor said this guy sends things in all the time and this is just the beginning (something we just HAVE to see ... hint, hint).

"[L]ately they've been more frantic, with many pages taped together and stuffed inside a tiny envelope," the contributor said. "Jesus and 9/11, together again."

I don't know about you all but I'd would be making sure there wasn't any power in these and would wash my hand after handling any of his correspondence.

This is just ... Wow. This is probably the first time I have said "This guy needs to be committed" and meant it.

Someone has to be able to top this. Send it to leditoreditor [at] gmail.com. Please. May heathen continually drink upon you if you don't.

letter the thirteenth: election carpet bomb

The body of this leditor is unimportant and is hard to present without the sheer volume of blotted out identifying info making this look like a letter sent to the Europe during World War II (taking out the e-mail addresses was bad enough. As you'll see in  a second, I grew tired doing it one by one). Long story short, it was about an election canidate by a former and totally not disgruntled at all campaign official sent less than three weeks before the election. This person had a hot tip about how godawful the person he initially was a hardcore campaigner for was and wanted a couple people to know.

As you can see from the photo, this e-mail went out to just a few people. From what I could tell from some research, that would be about 30 people at a NBC station, an account at Time Magazine, 36 people at a CBS station, a couple of four people at an ABC station (gee, I wonder which TV station this guy favors?), at least two newspapers and the D. James Kennedy Center for Christian Statesmanship. I don't know why either.

This apparently just one in a series of e-mails the went on to nearly 5:30 a.m. over the course of a weekend and included varying combination of news outlets. The journalist who submitted this said it appears that only two news outlets responded to this stunning revelation, one of which taking a detailed look.

The contributor said his/her outlet passed on this story because 1) it was less than three weeks before the election; 2) it sounded fishy because of where it was from and why; 3) it will probably lead to a "sue-lebration" if any of the story is wrong and the election is obviously affected; and 4) "Really, dude?" the contributor said. "The only person you forgot to send your outrage to was the weekend anchor's parakeet."

Needless to say, the contributor said, the candidate sent out a statement about seeking legal action against the campaign worker and possibly one of the news outlets, which might have had a misstep in this field of bullshit, pending the outcome of the election. That e-mail was carpet-bombed as well but not as extensively.

I think I wouldn't wish this election night or being a part of this glorious e-mail list on my worst enemy.

letter the twelfth: voicemail

If only I had a recording of this. The contributor has transcribed this message he got on his phone at about 7 a.m. He said the crazies usually call the reporters early because they're hoping no one will answer the phone. He said he was at work early once and the person on the line stammered that he didn't expect anyone to be there and quickly ended the call.

Anyway, here's the transcript of the voicemail:
"[GIVES NAME] I was reading your article, [HEADLINE], and I noticed that you wrote '[MAIN PERSON IN THE STORY] said' 11 times. Don't you think that's a little excessive? Maybe you should spice it up a bit. [LEFT PHONE NUMBER]"

I don't know about you all but one the first things I was taught was that anything other than "___ said" is to be used in a magazine piece, feature or nonfiction. It is not our place to say someone stormed out of the room or exclaimed something or commented or any other crazy half-synonym of said. This is a newspaper. We try very hard to just give the facts in light of everyone thinking we have some sort of agenda. Our only agenda is getting this damn story done so we can resume drinking. For those of us who do want to write a career-escaping novel, using said all the time can get repetitive but no newspaper will say anyone remarked, declared, mentioned, revealed, alleged, insinuated, yelled, what have you. As innocuous as that looks, that is editorializing. If that happens, then it is time for the tin-foil hat people to wonder if opinion is being inserted into an article. Also, using said moves the attribution into the background. You don't want people stopping on that. Attribution is important but the information is what's necessary, not that we felt that someone "claimed that mangoes are the greatest fruits ever."

Also, WHO FRICKIN' COUNTS HOW MANY TIMES SAID IS USED IN AN ARTICLE?! Do  you not have anything else to do with your life? Where did this come from? Have you been reading newspapers for 30 years and this was the final straw? Thousands upon thousands of "___ said" day in and day out just finally drove you up the wall? DEAR LORD, WHY WON'T THEY SPICE IT UP A BIT?!!!??//!!1111ONEELEVEN?/ NOT THE VARSITY.

Letter the eleventh: where's my free news?

This one isn't really crazy but it's the principle of it.

[PUBLISHER],
Though the [NEWSPAPER] is published only twice per week I would hope that the website woudl be kep up-to-date. I have been viewing the same 'headlines' for the past 2 weeks*, i.e. latest website entries (Sept. 11-Sept 24 '09). The same with the Obituary Listing (Obituary marked Oct 9, 09 has listed obituaries from October 2 and no further). How can the obituaries be marked October 9th, when today is only October 8, 09. ??
Inconsistency, to say the least.

I once had the [NEWSPAPER] delivered to my address a few years back. Because the '[CLEVER DIMINUTIVE FOR THE NEWSPAPER]" was cutting back on their subscribers, they deemed it unecessary not to have home delivery at my address in [LOCATION], because they considered me in the 'boonies.' That's fine if they wished it this way. ... but at least try to keep the website updated so that we would have the most recent local/state news and the most recent obituaries in the [REGION].
Thank you for your time.
[Signature]
[CUTESY INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE SIGNATURE]



The journalist sending this said, as far he knows, no one has been persuaded to unsubscribe because it's too far away. In fact, the paper is delivered by the U.S. Postal Service so they don't care how far away someone is. "Furthermore, cutting back on subscribers seems like stupidest effing idea I've ever heard," the contributor said. "If that were a policy, the person who agreed to it needs a pica pole up the ass. Sideways."

So, says the Leditor Editor, this person is complaining about a dearth of free hyperlocal news because the newspaper allegedly persuaded this person not to pay for it?

Yes, how dare you not give your product away for free for people who don't want to pay for it.

I believe that online is the future. For starters, we'll stop killing trees like they're zombies. It is important for sites to be fresh or that "e-newspaper" is going to be left by the wayside.  At the same time, we have to stop giving them away online.  Right now, advertising on paper is still what business want and if we aren't getting smushed dead trees with ink on them out of the metal boxes, we aren't getting paid. That department store has better chances of someone idly flipping through their glossy circular than any company hoping someone will click the flashing ad in the corner and poke around their site.

When it comes to national news, the physical ad people become a problem because the necessity is for people to be on the site and it would be great if all the ads and viewers were there. This is because, if news isn't posted on the site as it happens some blogger is going to have it everywhere or an online only news site will have it and your version in print the next day is beyond yesterday's news.

With a hyperlocal, where else are they going to get it?  That big city daily doesn't care about the garden club or [SHOT!] JV Football (NOT THE VARSiTY). Until the industry finally gets completely into the late 20th century in 2024, we need to squeeze every penny out of the printed page. You can have a Web site with digital frilly edges and shiny things but don't give away the hyperlocal news.

If they don't like it, tough. It's not like it's not over $2.  If you have concerns about your hippie trees, the Arbor Day Foundation will give you some to plant for a donation.

*As an aside, the contributor said the complaint had to have come during the site's redesign and the naming of new people to update the site. At the time, there was a message that the new site was under construction and those issues just didn't make it online. Only two issues had been missed since the relaunch and that was because those new people forgot they volunteered themselves for the duty. That happened after this e-mail was sent.