letter the twelfth: voicemail

If only I had a recording of this. The contributor has transcribed this message he got on his phone at about 7 a.m. He said the crazies usually call the reporters early because they're hoping no one will answer the phone. He said he was at work early once and the person on the line stammered that he didn't expect anyone to be there and quickly ended the call.

Anyway, here's the transcript of the voicemail:
"[GIVES NAME] I was reading your article, [HEADLINE], and I noticed that you wrote '[MAIN PERSON IN THE STORY] said' 11 times. Don't you think that's a little excessive? Maybe you should spice it up a bit. [LEFT PHONE NUMBER]"

I don't know about you all but one the first things I was taught was that anything other than "___ said" is to be used in a magazine piece, feature or nonfiction. It is not our place to say someone stormed out of the room or exclaimed something or commented or any other crazy half-synonym of said. This is a newspaper. We try very hard to just give the facts in light of everyone thinking we have some sort of agenda. Our only agenda is getting this damn story done so we can resume drinking. For those of us who do want to write a career-escaping novel, using said all the time can get repetitive but no newspaper will say anyone remarked, declared, mentioned, revealed, alleged, insinuated, yelled, what have you. As innocuous as that looks, that is editorializing. If that happens, then it is time for the tin-foil hat people to wonder if opinion is being inserted into an article. Also, using said moves the attribution into the background. You don't want people stopping on that. Attribution is important but the information is what's necessary, not that we felt that someone "claimed that mangoes are the greatest fruits ever."

Also, WHO FRICKIN' COUNTS HOW MANY TIMES SAID IS USED IN AN ARTICLE?! Do  you not have anything else to do with your life? Where did this come from? Have you been reading newspapers for 30 years and this was the final straw? Thousands upon thousands of "___ said" day in and day out just finally drove you up the wall? DEAR LORD, WHY WON'T THEY SPICE IT UP A BIT?!!!??//!!1111ONEELEVEN?/ NOT THE VARSITY.